The Last First Birthday

The day has finally come and gone. The last first birthday. It was a fabulous day. It was filled with love, laughter, family, and great memories were made. But it was also a sad day for me. The last first birthday I will get to have as a mother.

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When my husband and I celebrated our sons first birthday we were filled with joy and excitement. It was such a happy time. Our son was 1 and a month later he would be getting a baby brother. We had made it through our first year of parenting and we survived. I felt such pride and happiness, I was a little sad that my baby boy as growing up so fast, but I knew this would not be our last baby, so I took comfort in knowing I would be experiencing the baby stage all over again.

When our second son turned 1, again I was happy. Not as happy, there was a little bit of sadness there, but I was still happy. The option was open to have another one, I just didn’t know when or for sure if we would. So there was a little bit of a cloud following me around that day.

Now our daughter has turned one. And this is the last time I will be able to throw a first birthday for one of my children. And that stings. In the pit of my stomach there is an uneasy feeling there. Lurking below, behind the smiles, there were tears. Behind my happiness and joy, there was a pain. Behind my feeling of pride, there was longing.

Let me try to explain why.

I can not even explain how fast this year has gone by. I feel that is has passed by so quickly that I have been ripped off of the newborn baby stage. I swear weeks, if not months, are missing. Something must have happened, a time-warp, worm hole, something!

Don’t get me wrong, I love watching my children grow. I want them to grow up to be strong, independent, confident adults, and I can not wait to see that, but at the same time, I want them to stay small and innocent, for just a little longer. The baby stage and childhood pass by far too quickly. There are not enough hours in the day for all the cuddles and fun times I want to spend with my children.

I love my children so much. I love watching them learn. I love watching them grow. But does the growing up part have to happen so fast?

~ Michelle

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