On September 30th 2012 something amazing happened. Something I had been dreaming of. Something that would change my life in ways I never dreamed of.
I took a home pregnancy test and it came back positive! I was in shock! I’ve been waiting so long to finally see that little plus symbol. Two years of trying were finally behind me. I felt like a weight was instantly lifted off me. I took a huge sigh of relief and instantly fell to the bathroom floor and began to happy cry.
I made an appointment with my doctor right away, got checked out, got blood work done, everything was great. My numbers were amazing, my doctor was highly impressed.
I was so over the moon excited that I was already in the baby stores looking at stuff, and I had already bought my youngest a “Big Brother” book. I was thinking up cute ways to tell my boys and family. I already had baby names picked out and rubbed my belly all the time and was already talking to my baby. I was so blissful. Everything seemed amazing at that moment, colours were brighter, food tasted better. I was on cloud 9.
My husband and I finally agreed on a way, and Thanksgiving Sunday when we were all together we were going to tell everyone. I had every detail planned.
However something happened to change that.
Thanksgiving morning I started bleeding. It wasn’t much. I called my Dr. and I called the hospital, and they said with the amount and how far along I was it was probably just implantation bleeding. No big deal apparently. But to get checked out if it continued or got worse. I still got my blood work done and my numbers were great, going up at a great rate. Even though I was told this was “normal” I was still scared, I had never experienced this with my other pregnancies. For the next few days I couldn’t breathe, there was a giant weight on my chest. I had never been so scared, so worried. I never knew a love so deep until I had children, and I never knew a fear so deep until this point.
On October 18th I had an ultrasound. I was 7 weeks 2 days.
Before I got my ultrasound I started bleeding. More blood than I had ever had while pregnant.
That ultrasound felt like the longest ultrasound ever. And most heartbreaking ultrasound I have ever had.
They lady that was giving me the ultrasound was 7 months pregnant and I could see her reaching for her moving belly every so often, however she never said a word to me. The look on her face said it all. I spent 30 minutes in silence as I watched this lady ignore my every request to answer my questions. Her silence spoke volumes. I hated her in that moment. I hated her for not answering my questions, I hated her for her silence, I hated her for rubbing her belly in my face. But my hatred for this random person quickly turned to heartbreak that took over my body. In that instant I was broken.
They couldn’t see anything. They couldn’t see my baby, just an empty sac.
I was sent to see my doctor right away and I got even more blood work done and my numbers were still going up.
I left the Dr’s with them thinking that maybe, just maybe, I was earlier along then they thought. My Dr was still holding out hope for me, bless his soul. Too bad that would all come crashing down.
On October 19th my world forever changed.
I was 7 weeks, 3 days.
I miscarried my baby.
My little baby.
Gone before ever even having a chance.
I have never felt so empty. So heartbroken. So helpless. So beyond devastated. So broken.
It hurts to breathe still. My whole body aches still.
My heart hurts for the loss of my baby. My arms ache for my baby that I will never be able to hold.
It has been almost 3 years since this happened and it still feels like just yesterday.
It has been almost 3 years and I am still living through all this pain. It has not gone away.
I have never felt the same since. I was changed that day, changed forever. I have a hole that will never be filled. I have dreams that will forever be nightmares.
I have a baby I will never meet and will forever love and miss.
I never got to feel my baby kick, never got to see my baby on ultrasound, and never got to hold my baby, but I still loved my baby with all my heart. My baby wasn’t with me long, but long enough that I fell in love and have forever been changed.