My Rainbow Baby

Right now I’m sitting here listening to my baby snore over the baby monitor. It is the sweetest sound ever. I can’t even count how many times I have sneaked into her room to look at her. I could listen to her all day and night, actually I did listen to her all night as I had to co-sleep with her.

As I sit here listening, tears are streaming down my face. I have so many mixed emotions. It is hard to explain.

My daughter is my rainbow baby. Every time I feel a surge of love, happiness, joy, any and all happy thoughts and feelings it is followed by guilt and sadness. She is my rainbow baby. I love her. I am grateful for her. But I’m sad. I’m sad for the baby I lost. Less than a year before I lost my baby, I lost my Lily.

It’s so, so, SO confusing when it comes toΒ my emotions. I love my daughter, so beyond grateful for her. But I lost a baby, and I miss my baby, I loved my baby, and if I hadn’t lost her, I wouldn’t have my daughter I have now.

I don’t know the words to use. My daughter is 2 and I am still trying to figure out what it means that she is my Rainbow Baby. I am still trying to figure out my feelings. Wondering if the feeling of guilt whenever I am happy will fade?

My daughter is 2 and I still have a hard time talking about her pregnancy, a pregnancy that scared me out of my mind the whole time, a pregnancy that was so beyond bitter sweet.

I don’t know how I should feel. My daughter is my world, my sons are my world, but I’m missing a piece of me, I will never be complete again. Without that missing piece I wouldn’t have my daughter I have now. Yet if I had that missing piece I never would have known my daughter. My life could have gone down such a completely different path. See what I mean? I don’t know what to feel, or think.

I love my kids, all my kids, including my angel baby.

Will the pain of losing my Lily ever fade? Is it a part of me forever?

At this point I think I will always feel guilt over losing Lily. As if there was something I could have changed. But at the same time I am so over the moon thankful for my daughter I have now.

If there was a way I could have had both my baby I would, in a heartbeat. But there isn’t. There is no changing what has happened, there is no forgetting it, there is just living with it.

miscarriage

~ Michelle

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One thought on “My Rainbow Baby

  1. Pingback: Pregnancy After Loss | Mommyhood Land

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