Category Archives: Uncategorized

Welcome Back

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I miss writing.
Writing with no agenda, writing just for me, therapy for the soul. That’s what this was for me. At least before it was. Before 2020.
Then 2020 happened, and then 2020 happened to everyone, and it just didn’t stop.
I lost myself, I got lost in a fog, just a dense fog that I didn’t know which way was up. I was so lost that I didn’t even realize I was lost. I thought I had found myself. I didn’t, I really didn’t. I was just so overwhelmed that I was grasping for air and trying so desperately to convince myself that I was fine. Oh how I tried to convince myself everything was great, that I was standing tall.
I was so very lost. Anxiety consumed me. Depression raged inside me and all around me. Fear darkened everything. Self doubt crippled me. Emotional wounds ripped me open leaving gapping painful holes all over me, I swear I could feel them as if they were as real as me and you. And I still tried to stand up and smile. I lost so much of me. Parts of me broke and completely crumbled.

2020 started with an emotional hit, then another hit and so on and so forth, I had some medical issues, day surgery, my mom had a car accident, my daughter was healing from her surgery she had a few weeks prior to the new year. Then I got the message, a cousin messaging me on a DNA site asking how we were related. Within days I spoke to a stranger who may or may not be my biological father, and got another DNA test. Got the results from that. Spoiler, he was my biological father. I met him. And then Covid locked down the world. Fear took over the world, chaos took over.
It was an emotional roller coaster, all of it, and it didn’t stop.

It’s been 3 years. The fog has started to lift. The emotional wounds have started to heal. The trauma doesn’t knock me to the ground every day now, just some days. They are farther and further apart now. I feel my strength returning.

2020-2022 was a lot. Especially 2022, it was the year of heartbreak, devestation, clarity, healing, hope, and happiness, and peace. It sounds strange, but it was. By the summer of 2022, so much had happened. So many life altering conversations, situations, circumstances, had happened. It was cathartic. Summer of 2022 I released it all. The pain, the hurt, the tears, the trust and respect I had for some people and situations from different walks in my life.
I saw my self respect, my self worth, I saw it clear as day as if it was a fragile glass ball, and I guarded it like my life depended on it, because at that point it did. Summer of 2022 I spent in my garden, I spent with my plants, I spent in the water and sunshine. I got back to nature. I tried new things. I did things that scared me. I even made my own jam with fruit from my own garden. And honestly that would mean a lot more if you knew me in real life. I felt a shift within my soul and I embraced it with open loving arms.
It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows, I also poured myself into therapy. I let my guard down with friends and family.
The fog lifted, the world started to make sense again, and I started to heal. And I found myself. I put the broken pieces back together that I needed to. I embraced the pain and learned from it. Some broken pieces got left where they were, there was no going back. I healed. I found peace.

2022 wouldn’t be 2022 without one more ass kicking though. I had surgery in October. The healing from that both physically and emotionally has kicked my ass once more. I’ve spent countless hours crying, crying from the physical pain, crying from the emotional pain. The unexpected grieving that came with it that completely knocked the wind out of me.
I know that if this situation had happened before, the outcome wouldn’t be the same. The strength, self love, self worth, and healing I had already started, helped me and guided me through this.

I’m not sure what 2023 will bring. I hope it brings more happiness, more peace, more healing, more adventures that lead to better understanding and self love.
Honestly at this point, I have no “plans” for 2023, no “New Year’s Resolutions”.
I want to just go along and embrace and welcome all that is for me, and see where this adventure takes me.

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Ice Chalk

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One of my favourite things to do in the summer is make coloured ice in the evening, and in the morning its ready to go. Its one of the first things we do in the morning, get up, kids eat breakfast and then outside to play with ice cubes. Why do we do this? Because it ensures I get to drink a hot coffee while the kids are distracted and having fun.

You can make simple coloured ice cubes with just water and food colouring.

You can fill up a container with water, food colouring (optional) and place little toys into it before freezing (also optional) (also make sure the toys are safe to put in water and freeze!). This adds another level of discovery to play time.

And now, lets talk Ice Chalk.

Its super easy and fun.

– Half Cornstarch
– Half Water (or maybe a little bit more water depending on the consistency you want)
– Food Colouring
Optional: Glitter, small toys.

And freeze.

You can use normal ice cube trays, or fun shapes. We use both.

And have fun!

~ Michelle

5 Days Into The New Year

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5 days into the new year and honestly its kind of craptastic. (Thats a word, right?! Well it is now.) All of my children have been sick, my husband has been sick, and I have been fighting off whatever nasty bug took them all down. Being a mom and getting sick sucks. There is no one to take care of you. No one to help. You can’t call in sick. You can’t just go sleep it off. And by the time you get sick, everyone else is getting better which means they all have their energy back so now you have to try to keep up with them. I couldn’t even tell you how many times in the past 5 days I wanted to cry or did actually cry.

Not the way I had thought I was going to start the new year.

On one side I can totally see the fresh start of the New Year. Something is in the air. Change is possible. Motivation is all around you. Dreams seem bigger and so clear.
On the other side, I can see how its just another day and change is possible at any time as long as the person is willing to change. But the extra boost from New Years is always nice.

I feel like I have already let myself and my goals down. Which is being ridiculous, I know. Like I said, we are only 5 days into the new year. I still have 360 days to go. 360 new possibilities.

You know what I think part of it is? Stupid anxiety and depression. They are freakin hungry monsters that will jump at any chance to tear you down and rip you to shreds. The lack of sleep and work outs doesn’t help either. Sleep and endorphins are such a vital parts to help me do all the things that I have to do in a single day.

This week I hope will be different. I will make this week different! This week I have plans, and those plans will happen. This week I will clean, organize, and renovate my home office. This week will be the start to the new year I should have had days ago.

I hope you all had the start to the new year that you wanted and needed. And if you didn’t, don’t worry, tomorrow is a new day with new possibilities.

 

~ Michelle

Adoption And The Holidays

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Being a Birth Mom is never easy. It is not glamours. It never leaves you. It changes you forever. Your heart is forever missing a piece. Sometimes it is really hard. Sometimes it hits you like a brick wall. Sometimes you feel like you can’t breathe with the missing piece. Sometimes you feel like you are falling apart.

adoption

I am a Birth Mom. My son was placed for adoption right at birth. His mom was at the hospital during my labour, heck, she even stood by my side while I pushed. I ended up in an emergency c-section and she was actually able to see him first and spend time with him before I was. They were always meant to be a family. I love my son. But he was always destined to be her son. But that doesn’t make it any easier. I miss him every day. I think about him every day. I always think “what if?!” Always. All my children are always on my mind, every day, every single day. I sometimes even set a place at the table for him. Its hard.

I am so incredible thankful that he does have the family he has. As much as I miss him, as much as my heart breaks, as much as I feel like I am missing out on everything, I also feel connected. My sons mother has always included me. Sent me photos, videos, visits, phone calls, FaceTime, anything that connects us. I am forever grateful.

Last week she went above and beyond. Although I am not sure she knows just how above and beyond it was. How much it truly meant to me. How much it completely broke my heart, shattered it, and yet made me feel whole all at once. This incredible woman, whom I love so deeply, sent me videos and pictures during his school Christmas concert. It was the most beautiful thing. She didn’t have to. She could have waited till it was over. She could have just told me about it. She could have just enjoyed it for herself. But she didn’t. She included me. She shared with me.

I sat there and cried, I cried sad tears, heartbroken tears, proud mom tears, happy tears, so many different emotions. I held my daughter as we watched together. She didn’t grasp just how important all of this was, but I sure did. It was a moment I will never forget. A moment I am forever thankful for.

I wasn’t able to physically be there, I hardly ever am, but I was and always am there in spirit. This made the connection for me even stronger.

Being a Birth Mom during the holidays is extra hard. When you are surrounded by family, and someone is still missing, a part of you is missing, your mind is always wondering what that person is doing, wishing you could be with them. This little action of her sharing with me made me feel so connected and complete during such a hard time.

It really is the small things that mean the most. Small acts that have the biggest impact.

~ Michelle

 

When Someone Told Me My Marriage Would End.

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Marriage. Why didn’t anyone tell me it would be like this?! My parents made it look insanely easy, or maybe they were just good at not arguing in front of the kids. Movies clearly lie about relationships, especially Disney. (I’m still waiting for animals to come help me clean the house, not that that has anything to do with marriage, it would just be nice.)


The thing with marriage, is that it is as unique as each person that is involved in it. No two marriages are the same, so its hard for people to actually give advice. When they do give advice it is more of a blanket type advice.

When I met my husband, I didn’t really listen to advice much. I’m not one for being told how to do things. I’m stubborn that way. I figured that we would figure out what worked best for us and go from there. Adjust and change as needed.

I have been with my husband for 11 years now. It is long enough to learn a few things, but clearly not long enough to know everything. We still manage to surprise each other. But what we have learned is what works for us, for the most part. We have learned how to communicate better, thats always something we will be working on. I have also learned that marriage is hard work, but so worth it.

I have also learned that everyone loves to put their two cents in, usually ‘helpful’ advice. What I never expected was when someone told me my marriage would end. To be fair this person did not just simply say something mean in passing, they actually yelled at me and tried to make an argument for their case. It was not because my husband and I were fighting a lot. Not because one of us had an affair. Not because we didn’t love each other. Someone told me my marriage would end because my husband helps around the house!

See in our marriage that was one of the things we figured out that worked for us. We both live in this house, so we both take care of our house. We both wear clothes, so we both do laundry. We both eat, so we both cook and clean the kitchen. I cook dinner, my husband cleans the kitchen. My husband cooks dinner, my husband cleans the kitchen – just kidding, I help!

When my husband and I got married we agreed we were an equal partnership. We help each other out, we support each other, we take care of each other, we lean on each other, we parent together, we make decisions together. We also help each other out around the house.

I’m not going to say my marriage will never fail, I hope it won’t, I don’t think it will, but I know for sure that if it does, it won’t be because my husband had to do dish and wash his own clothes.

My marriage is a partnership. My husband and I work together. And my husband sure as heck does not “babysit”! He parents along side with me! But that is a whole other story and issue. My husband is more than someone who brings home a paycheque. He is my husband and my children’s father. How we make things work, how we live, how we choose to spend our happily ever after is our story to write and enjoy.

Moral of this all, your relationship is your own. Your marriage is your own. For me and my marriage we figured out what worked for us. Marriage is hard enough without outside people trying to rip it apart. So when giving “advice” make sure it is helpful. Just because you think something needs to be said, doesn’t always means the other person actually needs to hear it.

Marriage and parenting. To each their own. Enjoy it as you wish.

~Michelle

Today Will Be A Good Day

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Today will be a good day. Not because it is a special day. But because I need a good day. Have you ever just needed a good day?


This Easter weekend was fun. It was great. We had lots of company over. We had lots of laughs, love, and made great memories. But it was exhausting. I’m exhausted. I’m worn out. And yesterday was grey, dark and storming all day. It totally matched my mood.

Here is the thing, having people over wears me out. Physically and mentally. I enjoy having people- friends and family- over. I love seeing the kids play with their friends and run around the house. I enjoy visiting with people, I enjoy the conversation and connection. But when you are an introvert, things like this, no matter how enjoyable can just zap the energy out of a person. And thats me, I’m an introvert, and I also have anxiety. Its a wonderful combination. (Please note the sarcasm)

So like I said, even though I enjoyed the long weekend, had two days of company over, I’m worn out. Then when you mix that in with a rainy, gloomy, stormy, dark day. My mood and energy is completely zapped. I don’t enjoy feeling like this. I don’t like it. I try to fight it. I try to ignore it. But I can’t. Its there. Always there. A part of me, a part of who I am. This is me.

After all is said and done, today will be a good day. It has to be. I need it to be. I need to feel like myself again, I need my energy level back up, I need to… I need to just feel happy and free. Free of the crappy feeling from a bad weather day, free of the low energy, free of my own guilt over feeling worn out after a long weekend.

Today is a new day. It will be a good day. No matter the weather, the people around me, how little sleep I’ve gotten, I will have a good day.

And I hope you all have a good day too.

~ Michelle

I Flooded My Kitchen, Again.

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Hello New Day.
Hello New Week.
Hello New Adventure.

HelloMonday

Basically “hello new screw ups”. Ok, maybe not that drastic, but it sure does feel like it. Last week was crap. Total crap. It sucked. It was stressful and bad and horrible and I’m just glad it is over. Also I flooded the kitchen, again. (I know, right? I wish I was kidding.)

I thought I was handling my stress and lack of sleep well. But yet again I was doing too many things at once, with way too much on my mind, and under preforming everything and did not have even attention to give everything I was trying to do. All of that equals to a flooded kitchen with me sitting in the centre of it all with a pile of soaking wet towels and crying.

The only good thing that came out of it was what my kids said to me. Well not my daughter, she just ran around yelling “Uh oh! Big mess! Oh no!”. But my boys, they hugged me, rubbed my back while I was crying and said “Mom, what do you always say? It will be ok, accidents happen. In the grande scheme of things, this isn’t bad.” Love those boys!

This week, I just hope and pray it is better than last week. I don’t know if my heart, soul, mind, or kitchen can handle anything else!

As much as I would love to curl up in a ball and do nothing, life must go on and my family and house must be taken care of!

Here are my weeks goals;

Home:

1. Don’t flood the kitchen. Seriously.
2. Cook healthy meals and try out new meals! I’m in a cooking rut and really dreading cooking lately. Its hard coming up with meals that can easily be made into a vegetarian meal for me and a meat meal for the rest of the family.
3. FINISH filling the photo frames. There are currently 2 photo frames up in my house, for months now with the stock photos still in them. Its sad. Something has to be done.

Family:

4. Plan out upcoming birthdays and March Break. I like to plan and be prepared. Can you tell? Now if only my kids would stop changing their minds on their birthday plans! That would be super awesome.
5. Read together. The boys have been doing really well with reading on their own. Which I love, but it does tend to cut into time to read together. Which is bitter sweet. I love seeing them read on their own and I love reading together with them.

Personal:

6. Beat my husband in our workout/fitness goals this week. We have a step competition going on this week! And I REALLY want to win! If I don’t, I will never hear the end of it.
7. Read. Last week one of my goals was to read a real book on my own in the month of February. I have yet to actually start one, last week did not really leave much time for that. This week my goal is to at least start a book!
8. Find some way to relax. I’ve been interested in mediation before, but I have never gotten very far with it. I love my colouring book, but again, anytime I start that 3 kids want to join in, and as much fun as that is, it takes out a big chunk of the relaxing aspect of it.

Work:

9. Organize. I am not just talking about my desk. My mind, my thoughts and my plans! I have so much running through my head, I really need to sit down and map out all of my thoughts and plans!
10. Create! Plain and simple. Have fun and create.

What do you hope to accomplish this week? I would love to hear your goals!

~ Michelle

Snowflake Art

Posted in Blog, Crafts, DIY, Uncategorized by

My daughter is 20 months and just loves to paint. Any art work that involves paint she is all for.

So naturally with it being winter and the Christmas holiday season, we (and by “we” I mean me) decided to do some snowflake art work.

This is a super fun and easy art work you can do with your little one. (And best part, you can gift the finished product to a proud Grandparent, Aunt or Uncle to add to their holiday decorations.)

What you will need:

IMG_1021

Paint.
Painters Tape.
Paint Brush.
Canvas.
Something to put the paint on.

Next. Draw your design on your canvas with the painters tape.

When  you are happy with your design, pick out your the colours you want.
I went with white, blue and pink. You could pick just blue, blue and white, or what ever other colour combination you like.

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Now the fun part! Painting!

Paint brush optional.

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When your little one is done let their art work dry completely.

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After it is dry, peel off the tape.
You have two options here, leave it as is, or take a black sharpie and outline the snowflakes.

Which ever option you decide, the important thing is to have fun creating art with your little one.

After my two boys saw this they wanted in on the fun. You can do this craft with your toddler or kids, or even yourself. It is a fun craft for all ages to take part in!

Happy painting!

~ Michelle

Remembrance Day.

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Today is Remembrance Day.

Today we remember. Today we are grateful. Today we are thankful. Today we appreciate all that we have. Today we are proud of our country. Today we are proud of the people that defended our country and protected our country.

Thank you to all the Veterans. Thank you.

Remembrance Day

~ Michelle