Almost Time For Our Road Trip

Hello New Day.
Hello New Week.
Hello New Month.
Hello New Adventure.

HelloMonday

Time is quickly approaching for our week long trip to Florida. I wrote about a million lists and started packing, but that was all put on hold when my two boys and husband got sick this weekend. Fingers crossed they don’t pass it on to my daughter and me. And even more fingers crossed our trip is still on. After months and months of saving and planning I would hate to see it fall apart now.

This week is all about survival and getting all the germs out of my house. Any anxiety I had about this trip before got multiplied by a million when sickness was added to this mix, so I will be working and deal with that this week. Also I will need lots of coffee. Because right now coffee is my very best friend. Coffee makes me feel like I can accomplish anything, it believes in me, it loves me and I love it.

Now back to the trip and packing. Have I ever mentioned that I hate packing? Especially when I am packing for myself, and 4 other people! We are only going for a week but by my list and the things I already have packed you would think we were moving! I didn’t even put this much effort and pack this much stuff when my husband and I went to Kenya for two weeks! Also I am pretty sure that about 60% of the stuff I am packing we don’t actually need. But I like to be prepared. I would rather pack it and have it with me and end up not needing it than needing something and not having it. But still… Holy Crow! Its a lot of stuff!

How do you entertain 3 kids in the car for over 24 hours straight?! Including one toddler that hates the car?! Well stay tuned and I will show you what I have come up with. Honestly, the thought of all this scares me. But I know it will be fine. My parents did it with me and my siblings, and that was long before in car dvd players and iPods and laptops and all that, and some how we all survived. I’m sure we will too. I just don’t know how right now…

~ Michelle

 

 

Lets Talk, About Anxiety and Depression

I don’t normally talk about this. I don’t like to talk about this. Talking about anxiety and depression gives me anxiety and makes me feel depressed, sad and weak, sick and stressed. A whole whack load of different emotions.

I have been facing my fears and talking about anxiety lately. See, we are going on a family trip soon, and yes I am happy, I am thrilled, but the thing is, I have severe anxiety and chronic depression. So even though I am happy about something, I am never truly *just* happy about it. There are ALWAYS underling feelings and emotions going on. Always. It is none stop and it is beyond exhausting.

So why am I talking about it now? Is it because of the trip? No, not really. I am talking about it because I am sick of trying to ‘cover it up’ and act as if its not there. But it is there, its always there. Sometimes its small, and sometimes its so over powering I don’t know how to explain it. Sometimes I even think its gone, but it always comes back. It is there, it is a part of me.

I have severe anxiety and chronic depression. I am in a constant battle with myself to do every day things every day. I am always in a struggle to ‘put on a happy face’. I am always gauging my mood, trying to stay one step ahead of it. Always on the look out for the next trigger, but most of the time I don’t even know what the trigger is. It can be so exhausting. Always on the look out, always putting on a happy face. The truth is most people would never even guess that I have anxiety and depression, that in its self is exhausting. Always holding a mask up so the world won’t see the true me.

I want to talk about this, because I want anyone else to know who is going through this that it is ok! There is no shame!

For years I used to walk around confused, feeling so alone because I could never properly voice what was going on. Some days I still can’t. People would say “get some sun”, “cheer up” or “its all in your head, just be happy, its easy”. But it really isn’t that easy some days. I want to be happy, and even when I am, I’m never 100% happy. I will always feel some degree of sadness, some degree of anxiety. And that is ok. That is who I am. I am still a good person. I am still (for the most part) a happy, go lucky, look on the bright side, find the silver lining type of person. I am still a good mom, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, and friend.

There is no shame. Yes I have anxiety, yes I have depression. And that is fine. It is ok. It doesn’t make me less of a person, even if sometimes I feel like it.

Like anyone else I have good days and bad days, mine just tend to be a little bit more up or down, sideways and all around swirly than other people. And thats ok.

So if you are out there, and you have anxiety, or depression, or both, if you are scared, or feeling alone please PLEASE know that it is ok! You are not alone! There is help out there. There are people out there that can help you, that you can talk to, and people out there that you can relate to and understand you. You are not alone. Despite what lies your anxiety and depression may be telling you, you are not alone! There is help!

Writing this  post right now its giving me so much anxiety. I feel physically sick right now. Trying to explain that I have anxiety and depression but still a good person sounds so stupid and hard to believe, but it is true. Trying to explain how having anxiety and depression feels is one of the hardest things. I still haven’t figured out how to properly explain how it feels, and I don’t know if I ever will.

I am writing this for me. I am writing this for you if you feel the same way. I am writing this for my kids, because if they ever feel like this, I want them to know it is ok! I want them to know there is no shame. I want them to know I understand. I want them to know, and for you to know, that you don’t have to hide away all of your complex feelings and thoughts. You don’t have to hide any part of you. You, all of you, every part of you, you are beautiful. So beautiful.

I found these photos on Pinterest the other day. Apparently the universe was pushing for me to write this post because these two photos showed up in a mix of other photos about recipes and decorating for the holidays. I believe everything happens for a reason, I may not ever understand the reason, or know the reason, but its there, some where.

I am going to say this again, please, please, PLEASE know that if you have anxiety, or depression, or any other issues going on, there is always someone you can talk to. There are people out there that can help you. People that will understand you, and help you.
If you can’t reach out to them, you can reach out to me mommyhoodland@gmail.com

~ Michelle

Planning A Family Trip

Hello New Day.
Hello New Week.
Hello New Adventure.

HelloMonday

This weekend I had lots of plans. Then germs hit the house. You have got to love back to school! So pretty much nothing got done this weekend, unless you count cuddles and naps! Then yes, lots got done.

So now here is Monday morning, I feel it mocking me and daring me to try to accomplish everything I want to do. And all with very little sleep and no coffee! Which basically means I am writing a lot of lists and notes down so I don’t forget anything! Because truth be told, I don’t have a lot of time to sit around being sick, I have so much to do! See in less than a months time we are taking a family trip! Not just any family trip! We are taking a week long trip to FLORIDA! And we are driving! Driving! Driving with my toddler who, to put it nicely, HATES the car! And we only have a week to get there, and back! So it should be very, VERY, interesting!

So I need to start planning what I need to pack, and buy for the trip, and it true me fashion, what I can make for the trip!

This will be the longest car ride for my toddler, and the longest time away from home. So I want it to go as smoothly as possible. Because no one likes a cranky, tired toddler that can scream like a angry screaming banshee on fire.

This isn’t the first time we have made this trip, but it is the first time with my toddler, so it feels like the first time and I am so scared and nervous and I have no idea what to expect. See the last time we did this trip, I only had my two boys, and they were 6 and 5 years old. They could sit in the car the whole time we were able to drive straight down over 24 hours with no meltdowns or issues. Also we had my parents. The adults outnumbered the kids, and it was wonderful!

This trip, it will just be my husband, me and our three kids! The kids outnumber us, and that is kinda scary! Not that they don’t outnumber me on a daily basis, but this is going into unknown territory.

So far I have snacks planned. Lots of snacks. Because growing boys love food, and my toddler loves food. As for anything else? I still working on that! Snacks, food, bathing suits, more snacks!

And did I mention we are leaving in less than a month?! The days of last minute packing and planning and so far behind me, I don’t even remember them! Everything now is plan, plan, plan!

It may seem a bit much, but if I don’t plan like crazy and have a million lists my anxiety will go crazy. Think of it as feeding the beast so it shuts up. Ok, maybe not shuts up, but at least calms it down just a little bit!

Back to planning and writing! And just when I thought our trip to Niagara Falls with all three kids for 2 nights was a big deal…

~ Michelle

 

One Step At A Time

Hello New Day.
Hello New Week.
Hello New Adventure.

HelloMonday

Oh, what will this week hold? What do I hope to accomplish this week?

I am starting this week out completely and utterly overwhelmed, filled with anxiety, stress, and I’m already tired. I want to think positive, I want to believe that this week will turn out completely wonderful. But honestly, thinking that positive just seems like a lot of work right now. But that doesn’t mean I won’t try. One step at a time. One step at a time.

So this week I decided to start writing out weekly goals again. I hope it will help me to focus, and relax, so I can accomplish everything I need to, and mostly so I don’t end up crying on the kitchen floor. (Why is it always the kitchen floor?!)

So my goals for this week:

Home:

1. Get on top of laundry. Laundry is seriously evil.
2. Nightly clean up. Some days, especially lately I am just too tired at night, but I always regret it in the morning.
3. Home cooked meals. Having home cooked meals every night helps everyone moods and not to mention everyones tummy!

Family:

4. Have more non-tv family nights. Movie nights are fun, but card game nights… those are hilarious.
5. Go for more walks. I miss walks. We haven’t go on many walking adventures this summer. And that make me sad. I like going on walks with my kids.

Personal:

6. Remember that I am only one person and there is only so much I can do in a single day.
7. Starting working out regularly. My workouts have been so random, most days I don’t have time, but I need to start making the time!

Work:

8. Focus on one thing at time. I have a million ideas, but I can’t do them all at the exact same time!
9. Clean up and organize my work space.
10. Step out of my comfort zone.

What do you hope to accomplish today? This week?

I really hope this week is a good week. I really hope my anxiety monster stays at bay. This week is going to take a lot of effort. I hope my toddler lets me sleep this week! If she doesn’t that possibility of me crying on the kitchen floor will most likely happen.

~ Michelle

Lets Talk Dreams

Hello New Day.
Hello New Week.
Hello New Adventure.

HelloMonday

Monday, lets do this. Today I am pumped. I am excited. I am hopeful. I am happy. I am blown away. Also I am a whole lot of anxious. But lets focus on the good.

I told you awhile back about my new adventure, following my dream, my new business Inspired By Five. It has always been a dream of mine to create and design jewelry. And now I am. I took the leap. Or rather my husband pushed me off the edge. Either way here I am.

IMG_5579 (1)

I have a small circle of friends and family. I’m a major introvert and it takes a bit for me to let someone in. So like I said, my circle is small. So I knew starting off the new business with zero money put away for any kind of advertising I would be relying on my awesome family and friends to help spread the word, and hashtags. I love hashtags. And Instagram. Instagram and hashtags are sorta of my happy place. Any who…

Yesterday I woke up and chased my kids around like normal, wrote out my grocery list, and decided to check on my social media accounts. There waiting for me was an order. Not just any order but an order for two, yes TWO Sea Glass Necklaces! Dude, I was so excited. Like happy dance in my kitchen happy. That was quickly followed by another order! 3 orders in one day. I was truly blown away! I still am.

I dreamed of this, but still in my wildest dreams I did not think I would be here. You know? Its crazy, right?

So here I am, Monday morning. The morning after. And I am thrilled. But being the anxiety filled person I am there is also my anxiety cloud following me around. Especially because I sent out a package of two necklaces, and until I know that they got to their home sweet home, I worry. It gives me major anxiety. Last week I sent out two packages and I was a wreck till I got word that they made it. I never expected to feel like this. Actually I never thought about it all. But I guess it is something I have to learn to deal with.

So right now, I want to focus on the good. The happy. The excitement. All the warm fuzzy feelings.

I also have to adult. So I have to focus on this week and my kids. I have a what seems like 37938202873893048 appointments this week. This week is all about balance. Balance of looking at the big picture of everything that has to be done, keeping track of it all, working on my business, being a kick ass mom and wife, but also just taking it one day at a time.

Deep breaths.

I can do this. I will do this. I will totally rock this week!

~ Michelle

Today Will Be A Good Day

Today will be a good day. Not because it is a special day. But because I need a good day. Have you ever just needed a good day?


This Easter weekend was fun. It was great. We had lots of company over. We had lots of laughs, love, and made great memories. But it was exhausting. I’m exhausted. I’m worn out. And yesterday was grey, dark and storming all day. It totally matched my mood.

Here is the thing, having people over wears me out. Physically and mentally. I enjoy having people- friends and family- over. I love seeing the kids play with their friends and run around the house. I enjoy visiting with people, I enjoy the conversation and connection. But when you are an introvert, things like this, no matter how enjoyable can just zap the energy out of a person. And thats me, I’m an introvert, and I also have anxiety. Its a wonderful combination. (Please note the sarcasm)

So like I said, even though I enjoyed the long weekend, had two days of company over, I’m worn out. Then when you mix that in with a rainy, gloomy, stormy, dark day. My mood and energy is completely zapped. I don’t enjoy feeling like this. I don’t like it. I try to fight it. I try to ignore it. But I can’t. Its there. Always there. A part of me, a part of who I am. This is me.

After all is said and done, today will be a good day. It has to be. I need it to be. I need to feel like myself again, I need my energy level back up, I need to… I need to just feel happy and free. Free of the crappy feeling from a bad weather day, free of the low energy, free of my own guilt over feeling worn out after a long weekend.

Today is a new day. It will be a good day. No matter the weather, the people around me, how little sleep I’ve gotten, I will have a good day.

And I hope you all have a good day too.

~ Michelle

Climbing Out Of The Hole

Hello New Day.
Hello New Week.
Hello New Adventure.

HelloMonday

It is Monday, again. I have been in such a depressed state lately. I really thought I would have gotten myself out of it by now, but alas, here we are it is Monday again and I am still in my funk. It is getting better, I think, I hope. Some days are better than others, and those days are becoming more frequent, or so I hope. I hate this feeling of helplessness. It is horrible. It is time to climb out of this hole of loneliness and helplessness.

It seems this week I am really going to have to push myself if I want to get out of this funk. Like writing this, is the first step. Next step, come up with some goals. Next step, actually accomplish said goals.

So here we go. You ready?

Home Goals

1. Get rid of the clutter and junk and clean.
2. Keep my bedroom clean. I will fully admit that sometimes I am worse than my kids. Especially when I lack total motivation. The rest of the house gets taken care of, but my bedroom, well sometimes that is a lost cause.
3. Meal plan and cook. Nothing worse than being in a funk and eating greasy take out food that makes you feel worse after.

Family Goals

4. Get creative together. Reading, writing, drawing, colouring. Whatever it is as along as we get to be creative together. I love when I see my boys express themselves through art, you always learn something new.
5. Listen. I like to think that my family is good at communicating. We are all very open with each other. But I know there is always room for improvement in that department.

Personal Goals

6. Write. Write of my blog, write ideas, write in a journal. Just write for the sake of writing.
7. Get out. I’ve been kind of hiding out lately. Staying home, not really talking to friends, breaking plans. And that is never a good idea. So this week I need to get out.
8. Workout. I have my Fitbit back on and I am determined to hit 10,000 steps at least every day and reach all my other goals.

Work Goals

9. Get out of my head and face my fears.
10. Stop putting things off.

I am not sure if this week will be good. Honestly it is off to a rainy gloomy start, but that does not mean I am ready to throw in the towel. I want this week to be good. I will work for this week to be good. I will have hope that this week will be good.

What are you doing this week? Do you have any goals? I would love to hear them!

~ Michelle