Lets Talk, About Anxiety and Depression

I don’t normally talk about this. I don’t like to talk about this. Talking about anxiety and depression gives me anxiety and makes me feel depressed, sad and weak, sick and stressed. A whole whack load of different emotions.

I have been facing my fears and talking about anxiety lately. See, we are going on a family trip soon, and yes I am happy, I am thrilled, but the thing is, I have severe anxiety and chronic depression. So even though I am happy about something, I am never truly *just* happy about it. There are ALWAYS underling feelings and emotions going on. Always. It is none stop and it is beyond exhausting.

So why am I talking about it now? Is it because of the trip? No, not really. I am talking about it because I am sick of trying to ‘cover it up’ and act as if its not there. But it is there, its always there. Sometimes its small, and sometimes its so over powering I don’t know how to explain it. Sometimes I even think its gone, but it always comes back. It is there, it is a part of me.

I have severe anxiety and chronic depression. I am in a constant battle with myself to do every day things every day. I am always in a struggle to ‘put on a happy face’. I am always gauging my mood, trying to stay one step ahead of it. Always on the look out for the next trigger, but most of the time I don’t even know what the trigger is. It can be so exhausting. Always on the look out, always putting on a happy face. The truth is most people would never even guess that I have anxiety and depression, that in its self is exhausting. Always holding a mask up so the world won’t see the true me.

I want to talk about this, because I want anyone else to know who is going through this that it is ok! There is no shame!

For years I used to walk around confused, feeling so alone because I could never properly voice what was going on. Some days I still can’t. People would say “get some sun”, “cheer up” or “its all in your head, just be happy, its easy”. But it really isn’t that easy some days. I want to be happy, and even when I am, I’m never 100% happy. I will always feel some degree of sadness, some degree of anxiety. And that is ok. That is who I am. I am still a good person. I am still (for the most part) a happy, go lucky, look on the bright side, find the silver lining type of person. I am still a good mom, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, and friend.

There is no shame. Yes I have anxiety, yes I have depression. And that is fine. It is ok. It doesn’t make me less of a person, even if sometimes I feel like it.

Like anyone else I have good days and bad days, mine just tend to be a little bit more up or down, sideways and all around swirly than other people. And thats ok.

So if you are out there, and you have anxiety, or depression, or both, if you are scared, or feeling alone please PLEASE know that it is ok! You are not alone! There is help out there. There are people out there that can help you, that you can talk to, and people out there that you can relate to and understand you. You are not alone. Despite what lies your anxiety and depression may be telling you, you are not alone! There is help!

Writing this  post right now its giving me so much anxiety. I feel physically sick right now. Trying to explain that I have anxiety and depression but still a good person sounds so stupid and hard to believe, but it is true. Trying to explain how having anxiety and depression feels is one of the hardest things. I still haven’t figured out how to properly explain how it feels, and I don’t know if I ever will.

I am writing this for me. I am writing this for you if you feel the same way. I am writing this for my kids, because if they ever feel like this, I want them to know it is ok! I want them to know there is no shame. I want them to know I understand. I want them to know, and for you to know, that you don’t have to hide away all of your complex feelings and thoughts. You don’t have to hide any part of you. You, all of you, every part of you, you are beautiful. So beautiful.

I found these photos on Pinterest the other day. Apparently the universe was pushing for me to write this post because these two photos showed up in a mix of other photos about recipes and decorating for the holidays. I believe everything happens for a reason, I may not ever understand the reason, or know the reason, but its there, some where.

I am going to say this again, please, please, PLEASE know that if you have anxiety, or depression, or any other issues going on, there is always someone you can talk to. There are people out there that can help you. People that will understand you, and help you.
If you can’t reach out to them, you can reach out to me mommyhoodland@gmail.com

~ Michelle

Balance? Is It A Myth?

Lately I am determined to find balance. To find out if balance is even real. Or to find a way to live without and still function and be okay.

balance

See the thing is I thrive on a schedule, a routine. To keep my stress and anxiety at bay I need do everything on my list, which is a lot. I have been trying to find balance since the day I become a mother. It has been a long journey. Some days I feel I have found it. Some weeks it seems I am on a roll with it. And then eventually it all comes crashing down. I need to accept that it is life. That it is ok to not accomplish all the things. But still a very stubborn part of me wants, no, craves balance. The idea of balance is intriguing to me. A part of me knows it is a myth, but I still want it.

I want to at the end of the day feel like I have accomplished it all, not just enough, but all. I do not just want to just get by, I want to do it and succeed at it. I want to go to bed at night and not stress about all the things still left to do that I didn’t accomplish that day.

Maybe I put too much stress on myself? Expect too much to be done in a single day? Maybe I need to stretch out my daily to-do list to a few days or a week? Limit my to-do list to make it more realistic?

So this week I will attempt to limit my to-do list each day. I will set a timer when doing a task, and when it is done I will walk away and move on. Or at least try to.

Either way I hope I find the elusive balance, or find a way to let go and thrive in the chaos. Maybe that is the true secret, how to thrive in chaos? How to keep going no matter what? How to enjoy the ride while still focusing on the end goal? How to let go, let be, and still get your stuff done?

~ Michelle