I Met My Birth Mom. What It Is Like Two Years Later.

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Roses my Birth Mother gave me 2 years ago

Two years ago I met my Birth Mother and Birth Grandmother for the first time.
Two years later and honestly I still feel just as confused as I did on that day.
On that day I could not find any of the right words that even resemble what I was feeling or thinking. I just could not seem to put this into the right words, and I still can’t. This is not an easy situation, it is a lot more complex and confusing than I would have ever thought possible.
So please bear with me through this.

I met my Birth Mom and Birth Grandmother.
This should be a happy moment. Right? Cloud 9. Jumping up and down. Happy dance. All of that right?

Let me back up a little bit. I spent my entire life, for as long as I can remember with certain beliefs about my birth mom. I knew it was silly, and I shouldn’t assume things about someone I knew nothing about, but I also felt I was right. Something I knew in my heart to be true. Like we had a connection or something. As I grew older and heard horror stories about Adoption Reunions I knew to always “expect to the unexpected” so to speak. So I tried my hardest to expand what I believed. There were just certain parts that I could not let go of. My heart just told me they were true. I hoped for the best and prepared for the worse.
My first mistake was thinking my search would be easy. Of course she would be looking for me. All of them would be. Of course there would be an easy trail for me to find. Turns out it was not easy, or quick. My search took nearly 10 years.
Then reality came knocking on my door, more like destroyed it actually. Out of the 100,000,000,001 scenarios I thought of none of them were true.
I realize this was fully on me, I only have myself to blame. But after believing for so long in something, trusting your heart for so long, and realizing it was all wrong, to have your beliefs’, hopes, dreams, thoughts, all crushed… It was hard. I had to re-evaluate everything I thought and believed about myself, about her, about everything connected to my Adoption. That connection I believed I had, that I was somehow special because I felt this, was gone.

Throughout this I did, and still do, feel so blessed and lucky that I have been able to actually find my birth mom. That’s the important thing here. I actually found her. I am one of the lucky ones. My search was finally over. A whole new journey is before me now.

When it came time to actually meet her, I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what to feel. I was confused before she even stepped foot in my house. Which took me by a giant surprise. I thought I was ready to take this step. I thought I knew what I wanted, how I felt, everything. I thought meeting her would be the next natural step and everything about it would be natural and free-flowing.

As I looked into the eyes of the person that gave birth to me, as I looked into the eyes of my birth grandmother for the first time, my blood…. I don’t know. In that moment in time, I didn’t know what to feel, think or expect. I was shaken to the core from this meeting.

I looked into their eyes and it really hit me, there is a whole family history there that I’m connected to it. But I don’t feel connected. I should feel connected, right? Should it be an instant connection? We are blood after all. There should be a bond? Something small there at least? Where did that connection go that I thought I had with her growing up? Was that really gone? Or was it just my beliefs that were gone? I thought it was just my beliefs. For sure some connection should remain?

I never thought I would be this confused, I never thought I would feel like this. I never dreamed the emotional roller coaster this would be. I never dreamed it would go on for years.

I want to be able to tell people that this meeting was what dreams are made of. That it went perfectly. That it was wonderful. That it left me with no questions at all. I want to say that we had a connection and are now involved in each others lives. I want to be able to say that, because a part of me wanted it to be like that.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad I met them. It was a good experience. I wouldn’t change it for the world.

But the truth is here I am 2 years later after meeting them and I am just as confused and lost as I felt on that day.

Our relationship has not progressed the way I thought it would, and honestly I am not sure where that leaves us, or what it means.

I spent 28 years without her, I spent 10 years looking for her, I realize a relationship will not be built overnight, related by blood or not, this is going to take a lot of work. A lot more than I thought would take for people related by blood, for a daughter and her birth mother.

Thanks to all those who have supported me throughout all of this! Your love and support means so much to me!
~Michelle

Sometimes Things Make Me Feel Uneasy

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Lets be brutally honest for a minute.
I never try to judge another person, especially a mother, especially a birth mother. I don’t know their story, their feelings. And some times people say things that I don’t agree with, and that is their choice to believe what they want. But sometimes people say things that make me feel uneasy.
When I hear a birth mother say “I finally got my son/daughter back after 20-? years my family is complete” I cringe. I can’t help it. I feel uneasy. It took me a while to figure out why. It affects me on a few different levels. I will attempt to break it down for you.

When I hear a birth parent say “I finally got my son/daughter back”, from an adoptees stand point this bothers me. I’m sorry, but you can never “have me back”. I found my birth mother, I never got her back. She didn’t come into my life and suddenly become my mother, she is still my birth mom. I have a mother, a very good mother, and she will not be replaced simply because I found the woman who gave birth to me. It doesn’t take away all the years that I was raised by someone else. Yes I am in a unique position to have two families, one made by blood, one made by love. My family made by love is my family. Another family may have found me, but they can not have me back and take over role as family for me. I’m sorry, for me, it doesn’t work that way.

When I hear a birth parent say “I finally got my son/daughter back” from a birth mothers stand point I still feel uneasy about this. I will never “get my son back”. I gave him up for adoption, my role ends there, I am a birth mother, not his mother. Just because I know him does not change my standing in his life. I will never be a mother to him in the sense that his mother is to him, or in the sense that I am a mother to my 3 younger children. I love my son as much as my 3 younger kids. All four of my children are my life, they are my world, they are my heart, my reason. But when it comes to my older son, I am on the sidelines watching and cheering him on in his life with his mother, his real mother. I don’t get to sit here on the sidelines, wait till he is 16 or 18, and say “your old enough to make a choice, come live with me, I want you back”. It doesn’t work that way. I will never “get him back”. I will never have a legal claim to him. I couldn’t even take him to the doctors if I wanted to, I can’t make medical decisions. I am a birth mother, not a mother, and I can never get my roll as mother “back”. I love him like only a mother can, but I am not his mother.

Even when I found my birth mother after nearly 10 years of searching, I never once said “I have my mom back”. I have a mom already. I found my birth mom yes, but she is still just my birth mom. I love the woman, she gave me life, I have a great respect for her for what she did for me. But just because I found her, found my half-sister, does not mean I “got them back” and have some how replaced existing family members, or completed my family. My family was already complete. Finding my birth family was just an added bonus.

Let me just end this in saying there is a big difference between saying someone is back in your life, and laying a claim to someone saying you got them back.

~ Michelle

Lets Talk About Birthdays and Adoption

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There are not many times in my life that I have ‘felt’ like I was adopted.
There are times that it gets pointed out to me, like at doctors offices when they ask for family medical history. Or on my birthday. Yes my birthday. People feel the need to ask me if I’m sad on my birthday, or rather they assume I am. It usually goes a little something like this “I’m sure this day is sad for you, you know, because your adopted, but Happy Birthday anyway!” Um…what?!

My birthday has never been sad. My parents, the lovely and wonderful people who adopted me, did a good job at loving me, raising me, and making sure to always celebrate my awesomeness on my birthday.

I don’t know what it is like for other adoptees out there, but I can reassure you that my birthday was never sad.
There is however a difference with feeling sad and feeling like something is missing. Or someone is missing. With adoption you do always feel like a piece of you is missing, because it is.

But since finding my Birth Mom a couple of years ago, I have noticed a difference in how I feel on my birthday. My Birth Mother and I didn’t have the reunion that I am sure many adoptees dream of. Or maybe we just haven’t gotten there yet, who knows. All I know is that at this point in time we don’t talk. So now on my birthdays, now that I know her, now that I know she’s a real live person, now that she has been in my house, now that she is making the choice not to be involved (as she had no choice before being that it was a closed adoption), that is hard to swallow and deal with. Being rejected all over again.

For the first time in my life I do feel sad and feel like something, someone, is missing. I feel sad that it turned out this way. I feel sad for the woman I have yet to get to know. I feel sad that this woman is missing out on the potential to know some really awesome people; my family.

Yet in saying that it just goes to prove how powerful adoption is, how it doesn’t take blood to make a family. My parents love me so fiercely, I am their child, I am loved and we are a real family, and that is enough for me.

So next time you know someone who is adopted and they are celebrating a birthday just say Happy Birthday. That is it. Happy Birthday. And maybe give them cake. Cake is always a good option.

~ Michelle

Searching For Your Birth Family

Adoption can be hard. Especially when it comes to trying to find your birth family. Personally it took me almost 10 years of searching before I got any answers (And honestly I am still waiting for some). It was such a long emotionally draining journey. But I finally made it, I finally found my birth family.
Here are few things I learned along the way.


1. How important it is to keep up to date information with the agency or government. Always update it. Even if you don’t think someone is looking for you. Always update it. If you move for a job, get a new phone number, get married, divorced, whatever changes you make, Please update! My birth mother never updated her information, and even though I had a number and address for her, it did me no good.
And if there is any paper work to fill out stating you don’t want to be found, fill it out, don’t ignore it, let other person know so they are not left wondering and searching.

2. Don’t let fear hold you back. It is better to find out the answers than be left wondering. Don’t let the fear of bad news hold you back from what very well may be great news.

3. When filling out paper work, don’t just print the forms from online, Call. Talk to someone who works there, have them explain every little thing to you. Then call back again to talk to someone else and double-check. Trust me! It could help save you a lot of time, and ensure you get the right forms the first time!

4. Pray and have lots of faith!

5. Make sure you are actually ready for this, good news or bad news, and know what you want out of the relationship!

6. Make sure you have a good support system around you. People to help you, people you can lean on and turn to. It can be a hard journey, a little extra support and love goes a long way.

7. Sometimes what you are hoping for, isn’t what you find. Sometimes there are no happy endings.

8. Sometimes there are happy endings.

Hopefully if both sides of the adoption (Birth Family and Adoptee) can remember to do this, their search will not take as long as mine!

If you are searching I hope you find what you are looking for. I hope your road is a smooth one, I hope you find whatever it is your, or who ever it is, you are looking for.
~Michelle

Adoption Tattoo 

3 years ago I got my first tattoo it is of the Adoption Symbol. The three sides of the tattoo represent 1. The Birth Parents, 2. The Parents Adopting, 3. The Child. All included in the one heart for the love they all share.

I got this on my left forearm, right where my baby’s head was cradled the very first time I got to hold him before he was placed for adoption.
I’m Adopted and A Birth Mother so this tattoo represents SO many people. First off it represents my Birth Parents, My Parents, and myself, it also represents my Son, the amazing Parents that adopted him, and again myself.

For personal reasons there is no coloring, no extra images, or flare to it. I didn’t want anything to take away from the meaning of it. And didn’t want anything to ‘glamorize it’ as being a Birth Mother is not an easy thing, it’s the hardest thing I have ever had to do and don’t find anything ‘glamorous’ about it.

~ Michelle

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Birth Mother’s Day

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It is May. So every where you look there is an overload of companies trying to sell you stuff for Mother’s Day.
May is all about Mother’s. Well at least one day is.
But did you know that there is a Birth Mother’s Day?
Its true. You wont find it on your calendar, but it’s there. Its gaining more and more popularity since it was started.
It is celebrated on the Saturday before Mother’s Day.
Apparently it was started in 1990 in Seattle by a group of Birth Mothers.

Up until a few years ago I had never heard about “Birth Mother’s Day”. I never would have even dreamed that something like that was going on. Not because I don’t think it should be, but because honestly Adoption isn’t that widely talked about, especially when it comes to the Birth Mothers. Most times Birth Mothers tend to be forgotten. Most of the focus of Adoption is on the baby and new family. Little to no support is set up for Birth Moms after they sign their papers.

I think something like this could good. Birth Moms need support after placing a baby for Adoption. Also maybe, just maybe, it will help spread the word about Adoption (which you would be surprised to find out still tons of people out there that know nothing about Adoption), and also shine a good light on Adoption.

I realize that some people will be for this, some against it. Isn’t that always the way? You can’t please everyone. But really, unless you are a Birth Mom, or Birth Dad, this doesn’t really effect you, and so if you don’t like it, don’t bother with it.

As for me, being a Birth Mom, understanding the pain and heartbreak of it, a day for Birth Moms to be supported, remembered, and recognized, sounds lovely. To be able to come together in a safe and welcoming place where their stories can be shared and truly understood and supported would be nice.
If I had known about this, or any kind of support group for Birth Moms, that would have been amazing. I didn’t have anyone who knew what I was going through, no one could even begin to understand it. Having a place to go, a place that was full or support and understanding would have been helpful, even if it was a get together that only happened once a year.
I do hope that Birth Moms, Adoptees, and Adopting Families do continue to get more support.

In saying all this I do have to remember how incredible lucky I am. I may not have had a support group of fellow Birth Moms, but I did have my parents. My parents were so supportive of me, and always there for me. They always went the extra mile to make sure Mother’s Day was special for me after I placed my son for Adoption. For that I am eternally thankful.

If you are a Birth Mom, know that you are not alone. There are people out there that understand and support you.

To all the Birth Moms out there, Happy Birth Mother’s Day and Happy Mother’s Day!

To all the families out there that have adopted, Thank your child’s Birth Mom and Birth Dad, without them you would not be the family that you are.

~Michelle

Birth Mother

I wrote before about Adoption and why it is so important to me, you can read the first part here.

So as you know I am adopted. I was adopted at birth and I had a very hard long road to find my birth family, but after nearly 10 years of searching I finally found them. My search for my birth family is a whole other story for another time.
But here is what you may or may not know…
I am a Birth Mom.
When I was 16 I got pregnant.
I gave my son up for adoption right at birth.

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I still remember it like it was yesterday…

Today, I have 3 beautiful, amazing boys and one baby girl. Two boys and my girl live with me, and one lives with his family.

The way I feel with my own Adoption is that my parents are my parents, that doesn’t change now that I gave up my own son for adoption. He has his own family that he lives with, and two little brothers and sister that live here with me. Accepting that my oldest son had a ‘New’ Mother does not make me love or care for him any less. I love and care for all of my children all the same.
He is my son. I gave birth to him. But I stepped down in my role as mother. I am now a birth mother.

My children all know each other. My two younger boys know that my oldest son was adopted, well as much as they can understand in their young age. Of course my daughter only being one does not understand, but just as my boys did, she will grow up knowing who her oldest brother is. I am so blessed that they have been able to build, and continue to grow a relationship with him.

Having had a child at such a young age truly changes a person.
I loved my child the minute I knew I was pregnant, the first time I saw him on ultrasound I loved him more. When he kicked for the first time I fell in love all over again.
I still remember his birth, and his first cry. There are no words to explain the feeling that washed through my body at that moment. A moment forever burned into my mind and heart. A moment that truly changed me in ways I never dreamed possible.

I never wanted to give my child up for adoption. I loved him so much. I wanted to give him what I couldn’t. He deserved so much more than what I could give him at that time.
I know I could have kept him, I would have been a good mommy to him. But was it fair to him? I had the chance to give him what he truly deserved. How could I deny him that?
I did this for him, not for me.

To say this was an easy choice to make, and has been easy ever since, would be the biggest lie ever.

I still struggle every day with this choice. I miss him more than words can say. But I take comfort in knowing that he has the best family. He is in the best place for him.
He is so fiercely loved by everyone! He is one lucky and blessed boy!

I know I made the right choice for him.

~Michelle

If you, or someone you know has been touched about Adoption, I would love to hear your story.