In The Middle Of A Mess

Hello New Day.
Hello New Week.
Hello New Adventure.

HelloMonday

My living room is in the middle of a makeover. Its torn apart. Things are piled in the centre, a total mess. And right now all I can think is “holy crap, I can so relate to my living room right now”. I feel so scattered. So all over the place. So out of place. No rhyme or reason to my feelings and emotions. Not much is left in place. Struggling to keep it together.

As overwhelming and stressful as this little renovation /make over is causing, its nice to know that it will be put back together and be better than before. And I can relate to that too.

Things get crappy. Things get hard. Things get so completely overwhelming. But eventually, slowly, they get put back together and things get good again. And when that happens I get stronger. Even if its just a little bit and I don’t realize it, it happens. And that gives me hope. When things get dark, that things will get light again.

And yes I fully realize how ridiculous it sounds to be drawing a comparison to a living room makeover. But bare with me. Blame in on the fact that I have been a stay at home mom for nearly 12 years and I rarely ever leave the house, or that I have not slept all night in almost 4 years, and right now I’m sitting on my floor surrounded by a mess. A giant mess. A mess that is causing me to have a lot of anxiety and frustration. So I have to keep reminding myself that it will get better. That it will be put back together, and that when its done and over with it will be better than before. That makes me happy. That thought is what is getting me through this makeover.

That is what also gets me through the darkness, knowing that sooner or later it will be light again. And when the light comes it will be better than before, and I will be stronger than before.

All of this is just temporary, the makeover, the mess, the darkness, and yes even the light. But the good news, when it does get dark again (which it will) the light always comes back. Always. Sometimes slowly, sometimes fast. You never know when, but do know that it will.

~ Michelle

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Staying Organized

Hello New Day.
Hello New Week.
Hello New Adventure.

HelloMonday

How do you stay organized? Please tell me your secrets! I feel like even though I buy the ‘right stuff’, I’m still running around in chaos. This year I for sure want to get more organized. I don’t want to feel so overwhelmed every single day and so out of control.

I have a few notebooks and agendas that help. This year I also started a bullet journal. I have zero clue what I’m doing. My bullet journal is not organized at all, the pages are no where near ‘pinterest worthy’, but I am totally loving it. Its fun, relaxing, and gives me a false sense of hope that I’m in control of things.

Here are my notebooks that I used to help keep me organized and grounded. I also have a giant wall calendar in the kitchen.

From the bottom, 1. My Binder. Its for work, blog stuff, blog ideas, blog calendar and such. 2. My Agenda. Pretty self explanatory. 3. My bullet journal. Basically full of lists and calendars to track stuff. Its pretty fun, still getting the hang of it though. 4. I call it my “self care notebook”. Basically quotes that make me happy, calm me down when anxiety is high, doodles and such. 5. My Journalling Bible. Again, pretty self explanatory and again the pages are for sure not pinterest worthy. 6. My prayer journal. 7. Daily devotionals.

Its a lot. I know. I probably could condense it a bit, but I like it all separate. And honestly I wouldn’t know where to begin to even condense it. So for now this works for me, so I will keep doing it.

So how do you stay organized? How do you stay grounded in the craziness of every day life?

~ Michelle

Riding On The New Years High

Hello New Year.
Hello New Day.
Hello New Week.
Hello New Adventure.

HelloMonday

Lets just get right to it. I am totally riding on some sort of New Years high. I’m not sure how to explain it. I’m hopeful, I’m energetic, I’m getting things accomplished, I’m happy, I’m content, I’m just overall extremely hopeful. Hopeful that I will meet my goals, hopefully that things will be good, hopefully that things will continue going up from here.

I’m not usually such a hopeful person. I’m more of an anxiety, depressed, paranoid, everything is bleak and everything goes wrong but always looking for the bright side – the silver lining, kinda person. So the only way I can explain what is happening is that it is some sort of New Years high. Or maybe its the moon phases. Expect I have no clue about that, or what phase the moon is in right now… Or maybe its a sugar high from all the Christmas junk food?

Perhaps maybe I’m just excited because the kids go back to school tomorrow! Kidding. Sort of. It is honestly a bitter sweet thing. I love having them home. But I also like when they are at school and not driving each other crazy and fighting constantly which in turn drives me crazy and makes me use my ‘mom voice’ a whole lot. “Mom voice” is no fun for anyone involved.

Whatever the case, New Years, moon phases, sugar, school starting… I’m hopeful. And honestly it is kinda scary, because I have so much to be hopeful about, and that means there is so much more at risk of failing and losing. And that is super scary. But I think it will be ok. I’m not sure why, but for the last few weeks I have had a quote stuck in my head ‘ “What if I fall?” Oh but my darling, what if you fly?’ (I’m not sure who exactly said that, as I’ve seen different names quoted, so if you know, let me know!)

So then that always brings up the point; am I more scared of failing, or am I actually scared of succeeding?
And why am I scared of succeeding? Which if I am going to be totally honest, thats a scary thing…but why? How can succeeding at something be scary? Its such a confusing feeling to experience. I often wonder if its just me that ever feels this way? Anyone else? Let me know if you have ever felt this way and why! Anyone have any insight on it? I guess I should have paid more attention in psych class, they probably explained it.

Regardless of that, I’m super hopeful. And I like that feeling. Its new and exciting. So whether it is some sort of New Years high, moon phase, sugar high, or whatever, I’m going to run with it. I’m going to run wild with it. Maybe I will fall, but maybe I will fly. Wouldn’t that be a wonderful thing?

~Michelle

Hello 2018

Its time. Its time to brush off the dust and get back to this. Its time to face it, face all of it. Lets just start by saying that 2017 was a hell of a year. It was a crap show. It was anxiety filled. It was hard. It wasn’t all bad, there were good parts don’t get me wrong, but most of it, a lot of it, was hard and filled with anxiety. 2017 was a depression and anxiety filled blur. I retreated into myself so much in 2017. I hid. I hid from the world, I hid from my family, and especially myself.

I don’t normally take much stock in New Years, new start and all that stuff. But this year, I do. This year I have to. I can’t keep going on like this. Every part of my body aches, all the time. I’m done. I’m ready to rise, I’m ready to shine. I’m ready to claim what is mine, what belongs to me, what I deserve – Happiness.

I love to blog, but as you can clearly see its been a while, last year nearly destroyed me and I’ve been trying to claw my way back to myself. When I hid from myself, I closed myself off to my blog, and a lot of social media. I just couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t bring myself to write happy things and pretend to be happy, and I most defiantly couldn’t not bring myself to write how anxiety filled I was. So instead I just didn’t write anything. Hindsight being what it is, that was a mistake, I should have kept writing.

So this year I’m writing again. This time I’m writing for me. This year I will find myself. This year I will challenge myself. This year will be an amazing year. This year I will take control of my anxiety, just kidding, thats impossible, but I will damn well fight as hard as I can.

I can’t believe I’m going to write this, because I honestly think its such a joke, after years of chasing it down, it never happens, but this year I hope I can find something that at least resembles it: Balance. I need balance. I don’t know how I will get it, because I have never truly had it. I’ve tricked myself into believing it sometimes but it never lasts. This year something has to change. Something has to happen this year. If I have learned anything, its that I can not keep going the way that I am. I need balance. I need self care. I need to put my needs first (sometimes) and not feel horribly guilty about it. So maybe I’m not really looking for balance, maybe I’m looking for peace? Truth be told, I don’t even know for sure at this point. I just know something has to change.

So in conclusion, 2018 has got to be better than 2017. It has to. This year I hope to find balance, Peace, and Harmony, but most importantly I want to find myself. I want to find my voice.

Its truly a horrible, and depressing thing when you look in the mirror and you don’t even know the reflection looking back at you. I’ve become a stranger to myself. A stranger without a voice. This year I will find me. It may take longer than a year, if we are going to be honest here, but I am going to start.

This is my year.

I hope to see you on my journey. And I truly hope you all have a fabulous year.

To the people that came to my blog while I was ‘away’, thank you. Thank you for your messages, and support.

2018, you’re mine.

Lets do this!

~ Michelle

Starting Your Morning Off Right And Organized

Last week I showed you pictures of what my desk and floor looks like.  Now I am showing you what my mornings look like. Every morning I have multiple things I need to check, and lists I need to write out, and calendars to check.
This is what happens when you have a husband, three kids, a blog, a Handmade Business and a Handmade Sea Glass Necklace business.

This is how I start my day, every day.
My binder, it contains order forms, blog calendar, and other house hold related paper work for me. The pink notebook is where I write blog posts when not near my computer. Next up is my day timer and family calendar, then a note book for work ideas and thoughts. Next is my “Self Care notebook”, basically motivational quotes I found, little pick me up messages, doodles, and such. The green notebook is my prayer notebook. I Like notebooks incase you haven’t noticed. I may have a slight addiction. I love putting pen to paper. Next is my Journaling Bible, pretty self explanatory. Last is my little devotional book.
After I go through all of these, I write out a To Do List for the day.

Not in the picture: coffee. Lots and lots of coffee!

How do you start your day off right and organized?

Happy (not so) Wordless Wednesday! Have a Wordless Wednesday post? Share it in the comments!

~ Michelle

The Time I Turned Down A TV Show

I want to tell you about the time I got an interesting email, it was from a tv production company and they wanted me to be on their show. Um, say what?! I checked it out, it was legit, I had my husband check it out and it was still legit. So crazy. Someone had found my blog, loved my adoption story and my birth mom story and wanted me on their show. Crazy!

So when will you see me on TV? You won’t. I turned it down. I know what you are thinking… UM WHAT? CRAZY!


Yes, it was a once in a life time thing, probably, who really knows for sure! Yes it would have been an amazing experience. Yes it would have been great to be able to talk about adoption on such a large platform. But was it right for me and my family? No.

After much thought and many many conversations with my husband, who kept telling me to go, I decided it wasn’t right. As much as I would have loved it, as great as it would have been, as fun as it would have been, and scary and totally worth it, it wasn’t the right choice.

Saying yes to this would have meant time away from my family, as I would have had to go alone to the states. Is my husband capable of running the house on his own? Yes, of course he is. Would my boys been totally ok with me gone? Probably. Would my 3 year old have been ok? No. This happened right before my daughter was scheduled to have surgery a few months ago. She wasn’t in a good place her health and her sleeping.

It came down to, was it worth it the amount of stress this would cause on my then 2 year old before experiencing the added stress of surgery? Would this have been worth it for the added stress that would have caused on everyone else? No. Not right now.

I have to believe something better is coming. When one door closes, another opens. And any other cliche things you can think of.

Sometimes the hardest answer to give is the best answer. Sometimes a no is needed when you really want to say yes.

Now to look out for the next great opportunity.

~ Michelle

Sharing Information And Being A Mom Blogger


Its a digital world. We can try to deny it, but is there really any point anymore? How many smart phones are out there? How many apps for sharing pictures?
Its a digital world where we can share information and photos instantly, and permanently.

Permanently. I’m a grown adult and I honestly still have a hard time wrapping my head around it, about what it really means when you share something online. Especially when it is shared publicly.

As I write this and put these words out there I don’t know what will happen to them, who will read them, copy them, share them, save them, change the context and switch up my words. And I am only talking about words, I haven’t even started in on photos!

Now clearly I am on social media! I have Facebook, a page on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, this blog of course, and the list goes on for apps and such.

I share photos almost daily. I share my thoughts, my hopes and dreams, my fears, my battles and even my heartbreak. I’m a mom and a lot of what I share involves my motherhood journey. I have 4 beautiful children, 14, 10, 9 and 3 years old who I love dearly, I am so proud of all of them and would love to shout it from the mountain tops all day every day. Here’s the catch, I do not share their photos. I don’t share photos that show their beautiful sweet faces and I try not to write about them on a personal level. This is a personal decision that each parent must make in our digital world, and this is what I decided was best for us.

But wait? What was that?! Yes I can hear you asking “But you’re a mom and a blogger?! You’re a mom blogger? How can you just not share? Go on, just ask them first, if they say yes, its all fair game.”

So let me try to explain.

I do not believe that my children at their ages can fully and completely understand would it would mean for me to share their photos and their personal stories.

Can you imagine if the internet was around like this when you were little? Can you imagine at 13, 16, or 18 years old finally getting a Facebook account, finally getting online and seeing that your whole life was written out for the world to see from someone else’s perspective. Every milestone, every ribbon you won, pictures of everything, baby photos, you naked on the toilet, the list goes on. But there is also the bad, the embarrassing photos and stories. Your most vulnerable moments, your weakest moments, all of them told from someone else’s point of view. They may have been written out of love, so your mom could relate and bond with other moms. But that doesn’t matter, because these moments are moments you didn’t want to share, not like that.
So take it all in, that all that information is out there, and then realize that it is not just you reading it. Friends, family, and strangers read everything and see all the photos. Commenting on it all, sharing it, coping and saving photos and stories about you.
People have learned things about you that you would rather they not know. People have heard things about you, they think they know you, but they don’t, because it wasn’t you telling them.

Its harder to create your own voice, show the world the real you when someone else has written and shared you from their point of view for your whole life.

My kids are their own persons. Their stories are their own and theirs alone to write and share how they see fit.

I’m walking a fine line sharing me without sharing them when they are such a huge part of me.

I wouldn’t want anyone else writing my story and so I won’t write theirs.

So for now I will keep my kids stories for them to write, and maybe one day they will write them and I can share them.

And honestly, can I just say thank goodness social media wasn’t around when I was growing up. The ups and downs I had?! I wouldn’t want that shared with the world from someone else’s point of view.

~ Michelle