Perspective

This week I don’t know if the planets have aligned just so, or the moon is in the perfect location or bigger forces are at work here. I am going to go with bigger forces are at work here. This week has been insane. This week has been all about putting my life and my situations into perspective.

We’ve all heard the sayings “You better eat your food, there are starving kids in this world you know” or “don’t be so upset, you know someone out there in the world has it worse than you”. I’ve heard those sayings so much, that honestly I am kind of desensitized to them. Of course there is always something going on in the world, there are what like 7 billion people. So of course the chances that at this very moment someone is finding out good news, finding out bad news, welcoming a new life, saying goodbye, having a great time, having a bad time, someone is laughing while someone else is crying and hurting. Just because someone else out there is having a worse time, or a better time, doesn’t under value what you are experiencing at this moment.

In saying all that, I do think that sometimes other experiences can help put your own into perspective. Not undermine them, but give you a chance to come to terms and deal with your emotions and to reevaluate and adjust you’re point of view.

This week I forgot to pay for school pizza lunch for my kids. Not that we couldn’t afford it, but I just forgot to pay for it. And my kids were super upset at first. And honestly I stepped back and looked at them. This was their biggest issue. Not getting pizza lunch at school. They still had a lunch to take, but it wasn’t a pizza lunch. And this is what my kids have to get upset about? Damn, my kids have it pretty good if this is their biggest problem right now. My kids don’t have to worry about their next meal, they don’t have to worry about being taken out of their home, about being hurt, or scared. They are safe and happy, and they know it, because lack of pizza lunch one time is their biggest problem.

Then I was doing the endless piles of laundry. Like seriously people have to be living here that I don’t know about for the endless supply of clothes I have to wash and fold every freakin week. And I was folding a pile of my daughters clothes and something hit me. I was overcome with emotions. I am actually sitting here complaining about this?! About clothes?! I was actually complaining about folding clothes for a child that my husband and I tried for for so many years. We fought with fertility issues for years. We miscarried. We had our hearts broken. And then we were blessed with our beautiful daughter after a high risk pregnancy, where we thought we would lose her multiple times. And here I am, after going through all that, complaining about her clothes?! Seems kind of ridiculous in comparison doesn’t it? Don’t get my wrong, I still hate doing laundry. But that laundry represents the tiny lives I fought to bring into this world, all my pregnancies were high risk. And as much as I hate it, I am so thankful for my kids, and the ability to be their mom, to be home during the day so I can do the laundry while listening to my own music and dancing around like an idiot.

Its all the mundane things around the house. All the things I complain about, the things I hate, all those things I get to do because I have 3 beautiful children that I have been blessed with and an amazing hard working husband, that makes all this possible. The mess, the endless laundry, the forever filled sink with dirty dishes, the mess of toys every where, the sleepless nights, the list goes on.

I have anxiety and depression, so it is super easy for me to get wrapped up in my head with my emotions. Sometimes they are very big, very scary emotions. So for all these things to come together this week to get me out of my head, its been pretty eye opening. It doesn’t mean I will stop complaining about the endless messes, the dirty dishes I find all over the house, it just means I know why those things are happening and I love and appreciate the tiny humans behind the messes. I’m grateful for them. I’m grateful for the chance to do all these mundane things. It’s all about perspective. Finding joy in the little things. Enjoying the moment.

~Michelle

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Hello 2019

Its a new year. I know its cliche to say it, but I can not believe how quickly last year went. I had so many plans. Many of those plans included blogging here, but clearly those plans didn’t work out. Oh well. Onward and upwards. No time to look back. 2019 is going to be different. Its going to be great, amazing, wonderful. 2019 is going to be my year. There I said it, and I meant it.

Maybe I’m just drunk on New Years promises of change, and resolutions and new beginnings. Yesterday I did go and cut off 9 inches of hair. You know, the whole “new year, new me” thing. And as my head starts to clear, I am realizing it may not have been the best idea. but its hair, it will grow back. Like I said before, onwards and upwards. No time to look back.

This year, I honestly don’t know what I want. I don’t have a word for the year. I don’t have a plan. I actually have a lot of plans all jumbled together right now. I want to do it all. I want to workout more, I want to drink more water, I want to get more organized, I want purge the house, I want to blog more, I want to meet all my work goals (that’s whole other long list). Basically, I just want this year to be great for me and my family.

I don’t know what this year will hold. I don’t know how often I will get to blog. I don’t know how many days I will for sure drink the right amount of water. I don’t know how many days will be Pinterest or Instagram worthy, but I do know this year will be great. One way or another. This year will be amazing.

So I hope you will follow along with me, here, or on Facebook or even on Instagram.

~ Michelle

In The Middle Of A Mess

Hello New Day.
Hello New Week.
Hello New Adventure.

HelloMonday

My living room is in the middle of a makeover. Its torn apart. Things are piled in the centre, a total mess. And right now all I can think is “holy crap, I can so relate to my living room right now”. I feel so scattered. So all over the place. So out of place. No rhyme or reason to my feelings and emotions. Not much is left in place. Struggling to keep it together.

As overwhelming and stressful as this little renovation /make over is causing, its nice to know that it will be put back together and be better than before. And I can relate to that too.

Things get crappy. Things get hard. Things get so completely overwhelming. But eventually, slowly, they get put back together and things get good again. And when that happens I get stronger. Even if its just a little bit and I don’t realize it, it happens. And that gives me hope. When things get dark, that things will get light again.

And yes I fully realize how ridiculous it sounds to be drawing a comparison to a living room makeover. But bare with me. Blame in on the fact that I have been a stay at home mom for nearly 12 years and I rarely ever leave the house, or that I have not slept all night in almost 4 years, and right now I’m sitting on my floor surrounded by a mess. A giant mess. A mess that is causing me to have a lot of anxiety and frustration. So I have to keep reminding myself that it will get better. That it will be put back together, and that when its done and over with it will be better than before. That makes me happy. That thought is what is getting me through this makeover.

That is what also gets me through the darkness, knowing that sooner or later it will be light again. And when the light comes it will be better than before, and I will be stronger than before.

All of this is just temporary, the makeover, the mess, the darkness, and yes even the light. But the good news, when it does get dark again (which it will) the light always comes back. Always. Sometimes slowly, sometimes fast. You never know when, but do know that it will.

~ Michelle

Staying Organized

Hello New Day.
Hello New Week.
Hello New Adventure.

HelloMonday

How do you stay organized? Please tell me your secrets! I feel like even though I buy the ‘right stuff’, I’m still running around in chaos. This year I for sure want to get more organized. I don’t want to feel so overwhelmed every single day and so out of control.

I have a few notebooks and agendas that help. This year I also started a bullet journal. I have zero clue what I’m doing. My bullet journal is not organized at all, the pages are no where near ‘pinterest worthy’, but I am totally loving it. Its fun, relaxing, and gives me a false sense of hope that I’m in control of things.

Here are my notebooks that I used to help keep me organized and grounded. I also have a giant wall calendar in the kitchen.

From the bottom, 1. My Binder. Its for work, blog stuff, blog ideas, blog calendar and such. 2. My Agenda. Pretty self explanatory. 3. My bullet journal. Basically full of lists and calendars to track stuff. Its pretty fun, still getting the hang of it though. 4. I call it my “self care notebook”. Basically quotes that make me happy, calm me down when anxiety is high, doodles and such. 5. My Journalling Bible. Again, pretty self explanatory and again the pages are for sure not pinterest worthy. 6. My prayer journal. 7. Daily devotionals.

Its a lot. I know. I probably could condense it a bit, but I like it all separate. And honestly I wouldn’t know where to begin to even condense it. So for now this works for me, so I will keep doing it.

So how do you stay organized? How do you stay grounded in the craziness of every day life?

~ Michelle

Reality Came Crashing Back In

Hello New Day.
Hello New Week.
Hello New Adventure.

HelloMonday

Last week I wrote about how I was extremely hopeful and still riding on the New Years high, however reality has come crashing in. Well to be honest, not so much reality per say, but rather anxiety. The planets and stars must have all aligned and anxiety has now been released in full force.

Anxiety sucks. Its horrible. Its numbing. Its deafening. Its isolating. Its a monster screaming in my head. Its a constant violent storm raging inside my mind and body, depleting myself of all energy and focus. I’m not sure how to even describe it. Its strange how you can experience something every day, to different degrees, and yet still have trouble explaining what exactly it is to people.

This week will be hard. There is no denying it. There is no sugar coating it. This week will be a struggle, more so than last week. This week I will have to remind my self to breathe. This week I will have to tell myself that I’m ok when my body and mind is screaming that I’m not. This week I will be fighting a constant monster inside my head, that will be me aching and sore and so very tired, but still unable to sleep.

You know what is strange, that writing about anxiety, gives me anxiety, but at the same time it gives me comfort. Comfort in hopes that someone else may feel the same in their own way, and that means I’m not alone. Anxiety is a strange creature like that.

So if you have anxiety, how do you deal with it? Please SHARE SHARE SHARE!

This week I will rely on bubble baths, hot coffee, yummy tea, yoga, deep breathes, comfy blankets, and my happy light.

~ Michelle

Riding On The New Years High

Hello New Year.
Hello New Day.
Hello New Week.
Hello New Adventure.

HelloMonday

Lets just get right to it. I am totally riding on some sort of New Years high. I’m not sure how to explain it. I’m hopeful, I’m energetic, I’m getting things accomplished, I’m happy, I’m content, I’m just overall extremely hopeful. Hopeful that I will meet my goals, hopefully that things will be good, hopefully that things will continue going up from here.

I’m not usually such a hopeful person. I’m more of an anxiety, depressed, paranoid, everything is bleak and everything goes wrong but always looking for the bright side – the silver lining, kinda person. So the only way I can explain what is happening is that it is some sort of New Years high. Or maybe its the moon phases. Expect I have no clue about that, or what phase the moon is in right now… Or maybe its a sugar high from all the Christmas junk food?

Perhaps maybe I’m just excited because the kids go back to school tomorrow! Kidding. Sort of. It is honestly a bitter sweet thing. I love having them home. But I also like when they are at school and not driving each other crazy and fighting constantly which in turn drives me crazy and makes me use my ‘mom voice’ a whole lot. “Mom voice” is no fun for anyone involved.

Whatever the case, New Years, moon phases, sugar, school starting… I’m hopeful. And honestly it is kinda scary, because I have so much to be hopeful about, and that means there is so much more at risk of failing and losing. And that is super scary. But I think it will be ok. I’m not sure why, but for the last few weeks I have had a quote stuck in my head ‘ “What if I fall?” Oh but my darling, what if you fly?’ (I’m not sure who exactly said that, as I’ve seen different names quoted, so if you know, let me know!)

So then that always brings up the point; am I more scared of failing, or am I actually scared of succeeding?
And why am I scared of succeeding? Which if I am going to be totally honest, thats a scary thing…but why? How can succeeding at something be scary? Its such a confusing feeling to experience. I often wonder if its just me that ever feels this way? Anyone else? Let me know if you have ever felt this way and why! Anyone have any insight on it? I guess I should have paid more attention in psych class, they probably explained it.

Regardless of that, I’m super hopeful. And I like that feeling. Its new and exciting. So whether it is some sort of New Years high, moon phase, sugar high, or whatever, I’m going to run with it. I’m going to run wild with it. Maybe I will fall, but maybe I will fly. Wouldn’t that be a wonderful thing?

~Michelle

Hello 2018

Its time. Its time to brush off the dust and get back to this. Its time to face it, face all of it. Lets just start by saying that 2017 was a hell of a year. It was a crap show. It was anxiety filled. It was hard. It wasn’t all bad, there were good parts don’t get me wrong, but most of it, a lot of it, was hard and filled with anxiety. 2017 was a depression and anxiety filled blur. I retreated into myself so much in 2017. I hid. I hid from the world, I hid from my family, and especially myself.

I don’t normally take much stock in New Years, new start and all that stuff. But this year, I do. This year I have to. I can’t keep going on like this. Every part of my body aches, all the time. I’m done. I’m ready to rise, I’m ready to shine. I’m ready to claim what is mine, what belongs to me, what I deserve – Happiness.

I love to blog, but as you can clearly see its been a while, last year nearly destroyed me and I’ve been trying to claw my way back to myself. When I hid from myself, I closed myself off to my blog, and a lot of social media. I just couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t bring myself to write happy things and pretend to be happy, and I most defiantly couldn’t not bring myself to write how anxiety filled I was. So instead I just didn’t write anything. Hindsight being what it is, that was a mistake, I should have kept writing.

So this year I’m writing again. This time I’m writing for me. This year I will find myself. This year I will challenge myself. This year will be an amazing year. This year I will take control of my anxiety, just kidding, thats impossible, but I will damn well fight as hard as I can.

I can’t believe I’m going to write this, because I honestly think its such a joke, after years of chasing it down, it never happens, but this year I hope I can find something that at least resembles it: Balance. I need balance. I don’t know how I will get it, because I have never truly had it. I’ve tricked myself into believing it sometimes but it never lasts. This year something has to change. Something has to happen this year. If I have learned anything, its that I can not keep going the way that I am. I need balance. I need self care. I need to put my needs first (sometimes) and not feel horribly guilty about it. So maybe I’m not really looking for balance, maybe I’m looking for peace? Truth be told, I don’t even know for sure at this point. I just know something has to change.

So in conclusion, 2018 has got to be better than 2017. It has to. This year I hope to find balance, Peace, and Harmony, but most importantly I want to find myself. I want to find my voice.

Its truly a horrible, and depressing thing when you look in the mirror and you don’t even know the reflection looking back at you. I’ve become a stranger to myself. A stranger without a voice. This year I will find me. It may take longer than a year, if we are going to be honest here, but I am going to start.

This is my year.

I hope to see you on my journey. And I truly hope you all have a fabulous year.

To the people that came to my blog while I was ‘away’, thank you. Thank you for your messages, and support.

2018, you’re mine.

Lets do this!

~ Michelle