Chaos | Mommyhood Land

Hello New Day.
Hello New Week.
Hello New Adventure.

One step closer to Christmas, and yet I feel like I took 50 backwards. How is that even possible? One of life’s great mysteries, along with were they socks in the dryer go, or where toddlers who don’t sleep at night still get all their energy from.

Last week I did really well with working out. It was much fun to get back into it on a daily base. I was feeling really good. Happy. Then I went out dinner Saturday night, and then out to the movies Sunday afternoon. Hello unhealthy food. So gross. This week is about eating healthy and working out. Which I admit is a bit hard to do before the holidays. All I want to do is drink hot chocolate, and eat cookies and comfort food while wearing comfy clothes and hiding under a blanket. A warm cozy, crazy soft blanket.

With the holidays quickly approaching, depression and anxiety and go into overdrive. I am trying to get a jump on it by staying active and eating right, but like I said, I want all the cookies and junk food. I’ve also started to make a point to have some ‘me time’. Nothing major, just little stuff I can fit in during the day, facial masks, painting my nails, reading, bubble baths, journaling. Anything small that I think can help. You know what they say, its the little things that matter the most.

The holidays are always hard. Mix in everything going on, mix in being a birth mother. I sometimes have to try extra hard to get out of bed and put a smile on my face. Its not that I don’t want to, its not that I’m not happy. Its just that it is hard. Its hard to explain to some who doesn’t understand or has experienced it. I can be happy, but still be so physically and emotional drained that it is hard to show just how happy I actually am.

I have a feeling this holiday season will be the most exhausting holiday yet.

~ Michelle

Lately I am determined to find balance. To find out if balance is even real. Or to find a way to live without and still function and be okay.

See the thing is I thrive on a schedule, a routine. To keep my stress and anxiety at bay I need do everything on my list, which is a lot. I have been trying to find balance since the day I become a mother. It has been a long journey. Some days I feel I have found it. Some weeks it seems I am on a roll with it. And then eventually it all comes crashing down. I need to accept that it is life. That it is ok to not accomplish all the things. But still a very stubborn part of me wants, no, craves balance. The idea of balance is intriguing to me. A part of me knows it is a myth, but I still want it.

I want to at the end of the day feel like I have accomplished it all, not just enough, but all. I do not just want to just get by, I want to do it and succeed at it. I want to go to bed at night and not stress about all the things still left to do that I didn’t accomplish that day.

Maybe I put too much stress on myself? Expect too much to be done in a single day? Maybe I need to stretch out my daily to-do list to a few days or a week? Limit my to-do list to make it more realistic?

So this week I will attempt to limit my to-do list each day. I will set a timer when doing a task, and when it is done I will walk away and move on. Or at least try to.

Either way I hope I find the elusive balance, or find a way to let go and thrive in the chaos. Maybe that is the true secret, how to thrive in chaos? How to keep going no matter what? How to enjoy the ride while still focusing on the end goal? How to let go, let be, and still get your stuff done?

~ Michelle