Adoption And The Holidays

Being a Birth Mom is never easy. It is not glamours. It never leaves you. It changes you forever. Your heart is forever missing a piece. Sometimes it is really hard. Sometimes it hits you like a brick wall. Sometimes you feel like you can’t breathe with the missing piece. Sometimes you feel like you are falling apart.

adoption

I am a Birth Mom. My son was placed for adoption right at birth. His mom was at the hospital during my labour, heck, she even stood by my side while I pushed. I ended up in an emergency c-section and she was actually able to see him first and spend time with him before I was. They were always meant to be a family. I love my son. But he was always destined to be her son. But that doesn’t make it any easier. I miss him every day. I think about him every day. I always think “what if?!” Always. All my children are always on my mind, every day, every single day. I sometimes even set a place at the table for him. Its hard.

I am so incredible thankful that he does have the family he has. As much as I miss him, as much as my heart breaks, as much as I feel like I am missing out on everything, I also feel connected. My sons mother has always included me. Sent me photos, videos, visits, phone calls, FaceTime, anything that connects us. I am forever grateful.

Last week she went above and beyond. Although I am not sure she knows just how above and beyond it was. How much it truly meant to me. How much it completely broke my heart, shattered it, and yet made me feel whole all at once. This incredible woman, whom I love so deeply, sent me videos and pictures during his school Christmas concert. It was the most beautiful thing. She didn’t have to. She could have waited till it was over. She could have just told me about it. She could have just enjoyed it for herself. But she didn’t. She included me. She shared with me.

I sat there and cried, I cried sad tears, heartbroken tears, proud mom tears, happy tears, so many different emotions. I held my daughter as we watched together. She didn’t grasp just how important all of this was, but I sure did. It was a moment I will never forget. A moment I am forever thankful for.

I wasn’t able to physically be there, I hardly ever am, but I was and always am there in spirit. This made the connection for me even stronger.

Being a Birth Mom during the holidays is extra hard. When you are surrounded by family, and someone is still missing, a part of you is missing, your mind is always wondering what that person is doing, wishing you could be with them. This little action of her sharing with me made me feel so connected and complete during such a hard time.

It really is the small things that mean the most. Small acts that have the biggest impact.

~ Michelle

 

Advertisements

Depression And The Holidays

Hello New Day.
Hello New Week.
Hello New Adventure.

HelloMonday

One step closer to Christmas, and yet I feel like I took 50 backwards. How is that even possible? One of life’s great mysteries, along with were they socks in the dryer go, or where toddlers who don’t sleep at night still get all their energy from.

Last week I did really well with working out. It was much fun to get back into it on a daily base. I was feeling really good. Happy. Then I went out dinner Saturday night, and then out to the movies Sunday afternoon. Hello unhealthy food. So gross. This week is about eating healthy and working out. Which I admit is a bit hard to do before the holidays. All I want to do is drink hot chocolate, and eat cookies and comfort food while wearing comfy clothes and hiding under a blanket. A warm cozy, crazy soft blanket.

With the holidays quickly approaching, depression and anxiety and go into overdrive. I am trying to get a jump on it by staying active and eating right, but like I said, I want all the cookies and junk food. I’ve also started to make a point to have some ‘me time’. Nothing major, just little stuff I can fit in during the day, facial masks, painting my nails, reading, bubble baths, journaling. Anything small that I think can help. You know what they say, its the little things that matter the most.

The holidays are always hard. Mix in everything going on, mix in being a birth mother. I sometimes have to try extra hard to get out of bed and put a smile on my face. Its not that I don’t want to, its not that I’m not happy. Its just that it is hard. Its hard to explain to some who doesn’t understand or has experienced it. I can be happy, but still be so physically and emotional drained that it is hard to show just how happy I actually am.

I have a feeling this holiday season will be the most exhausting holiday yet.

~ Michelle

Getting Back On Track

Hello New Day.
Hello New Week.
Hello New Adventure.

HelloMonday

The past couple months have been a whirlwind. I can’t even begin to describe it. Now the holiday season is quickly approaching and I’m not sure where I stand or what was is up. I’m trying to make the best of it, I’m trying to hold my head up high, but it is exhausting. Down to the bone exhausting.

While trying to focus on the big picture and deal with everything going on, I need to start focusing on the little things. Taking it one day at time, one step at a time. All that jazz that is supposed to help calm a person. Not sure it really works, especially in times like this. But we will see. Its worth a shot, right?!

So this week I will be setting goals. For me. Not so much for the family. For me, that way I can be there for my family. I’m not so good about taking care of myself. But now its the time to really put in the effort.

1. Wrap the Christmas gifts I have already gotten. Its never too early to start crossing things off the To-Do List.
2. Workout. MUST. WORKOUT. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I have fallen so far off the tracks that I honestly can not even see them anymore.
3. Read, draw, or journal. Something. Creative outlet is a must, and I have let it slide as well.
4. Organize the family calendars. Again I have fallen behind on this.

( I should just say do all the things I have been putting off… but thats completely overwhelming… )

5. Meal plan. Eat healthy. Again this goes right back to my moods. Way too much emotional eating lately.
6. Finish decorating. Yes I started early, because of everything going on, I wanted it over with, but there are still a few last things that need to be done.
7. Try to go to bed before 11pm. Oh sleep, how I miss you.
8. Get my holiday card mailing list together and get started on that.

I’m sure there are a million other things I should do and I’m totally forgetting right now. Maybe a second cup of coffee will help me remember.

Now to get over the mommy guilt and focus on me. Stupid mommy guilt.

~ Michelle

Summer Screen Time Rules

Yes I am a mean mom. I set rules for my kids, even in the summer. If my children think they will spend the whole summer glued to screens they have another coming!

So naturally I set out some guidelines, rules if you will. Here they are:

13335516_820977841367391_9182683565941616927_n

Happy Summer Break!

I have high hopes for this, but also wondering if this will last past the first week if I’m going to be honest.

~ Michelle

 

Today Will Be A Good Day

Today will be a good day. Not because it is a special day. But because I need a good day. Have you ever just needed a good day?


This Easter weekend was fun. It was great. We had lots of company over. We had lots of laughs, love, and made great memories. But it was exhausting. I’m exhausted. I’m worn out. And yesterday was grey, dark and storming all day. It totally matched my mood.

Here is the thing, having people over wears me out. Physically and mentally. I enjoy having people- friends and family- over. I love seeing the kids play with their friends and run around the house. I enjoy visiting with people, I enjoy the conversation and connection. But when you are an introvert, things like this, no matter how enjoyable can just zap the energy out of a person. And thats me, I’m an introvert, and I also have anxiety. Its a wonderful combination. (Please note the sarcasm)

So like I said, even though I enjoyed the long weekend, had two days of company over, I’m worn out. Then when you mix that in with a rainy, gloomy, stormy, dark day. My mood and energy is completely zapped. I don’t enjoy feeling like this. I don’t like it. I try to fight it. I try to ignore it. But I can’t. Its there. Always there. A part of me, a part of who I am. This is me.

After all is said and done, today will be a good day. It has to be. I need it to be. I need to feel like myself again, I need my energy level back up, I need to… I need to just feel happy and free. Free of the crappy feeling from a bad weather day, free of the low energy, free of my own guilt over feeling worn out after a long weekend.

Today is a new day. It will be a good day. No matter the weather, the people around me, how little sleep I’ve gotten, I will have a good day.

And I hope you all have a good day too.

~ Michelle

How To Completely And Totally Ruin March Break

Hello New Day.
Hello New Week.
Hello New Adventure.

HelloMonday

Last week was March Break. The coveted March Break. A week off from school, schedules, making lunches the night before, and having to get dressed in real clothes. I had so many glorious plans. So many. Instead it was completely and totally ruined.

My two boys were leaving with my parents for a week away. They were going to have so much fun. And this meant that I would have a week home with just my daughter. My sweet soon to be 2 year old. I had so many plans for us, crafts, art, girl time, maybe even painting her nails for the first time, playdates, trips to the park, projects around the house I wanted to do and work stuff to do. It was truly amazing what I had planned. Instead it was all ruined.

Let me explain how, and for that we have to go back to the week before March Break. In order to completely ruin a March Break just insert germs. The week before March Break was filled with all 3 of my kids getting sick. Because you know it just isn’t fair if only one or two kids got sick, all 3 had to join in. Temperatures up around 103 and puking, every where, all the time. I had alarms set every night that got me up every 90 minutes to check on the kids.
Now onto actually March Break. Two boys that are feeling better, thank God, and a little girl who can’t decided if she is still sick or not, and just for fun they decided to take me out.

For my week alone with my daughter, for all the plans I had made, all the crafts I had bought, I got to spend my week laying on the sofa sick unable to move or even pick up my daughter! For the first time ever I have actually had to call in help of other family members to help watch my girl.

As for my boys, they didn’t get to do much. They were feeling better but still were not at full energy level, they would go do one thing, and have to sleep right after. Thankfully they were never actually sick on the their trip, just tired.

And that is how you ruin March Break.

Now it is Monday again, the kids are back to school, my daughter is at full toddler destructor  level, and I am left still feeling weak and sick. Usually on Monday I have a whole To Do List, I make some goals, so I feel like I have some control over the week. Today my only goal is get better and get my energy level back to normal! And maybe just maybe find the time this week to do some of the things I planned for last week. Maybe.

How was your March Break?

~ Michelle

Going With The Flow.

Hello New Day.
Hello New Week.
Hello New Adventure.

HelloMonday

Monday, we meet again. Is it just me or did this weekend pass us by at super speed? The last week has been crazy. My boys took part in a church Christmas play. So it has been crazy around here with rehearsals and 3 performances. I am so proud of my boys. They worked hard, had lots of late nights, were super tired, but kept going with a smile on their face.

This is the last week of school before Christmas holidays. I should be busy with plenty of To-Do Lists ready to go. But I’m not. I will be completely honest, I am on the verge of a burn out. I’m tired. I’m worn out. I’m done. I’m tired of stressing over everything that has to be done, all the things I need to do, I’m sick of having 150 things on my To-Do List and only having time to do 50 of them.

This week I am throwing out the To-Do List. This week I want to be in the moment. I know what needs to get done, I don’t need the To-Do List around to stress me out further. (Funny thing, I do thrive better with a To-Do List).

This week I want to be in the here with everything going on. I want to enjoy every moment of the holiday process.

I don’t need my To-Do List around to remind me of what needs to get done, and what I have yet to accomplish.

The holidays are stressful enough, busy enough, and surprisingly short. I want to enjoy all of it. I don’t want to feel the mountain of Mom Guilt when something doesn’t get crossed off the list in one day.

Holidays are not made in To-Do Lists. Holidays are about so much more.

The holidays will still come and go whether or not I finish my To-Do List. The holidays will still come and go even if I think I am not ready. Here is the the thing, the holidays are about so much more. Most importantly they are about time with family. And I can’t be with my family, truly with my family if I am busy stressing and worrying and running around.

This goes against my nature, but I am throwing out the To-Do List.

Everything will still get done, they always do. And even if something is missing, in the long run, it won’t matter. It is hard to believe, to even try to wrap your head around it, but it is true. I promise. It is a hard lesson to learn, I am still learning.

So this week, I will go with the flow, I will embrace and enjoy the crazy, stressful, busy, wonderful, magically holiday season that is upon us.

This week and holiday season I will be with my family, not running around them doing stuff.

~ Michelle