Adoption And The Holidays

Being a Birth Mom is never easy. It is not glamours. It never leaves you. It changes you forever. Your heart is forever missing a piece. Sometimes it is really hard. Sometimes it hits you like a brick wall. Sometimes you feel like you can’t breathe with the missing piece. Sometimes you feel like you are falling apart.


I am a Birth Mom. My son was placed for adoption right at birth. His mom was at the hospital during my labour, heck, she even stood by my side while I pushed. I ended up in an emergency c-section and she was actually able to see him first and spend time with him before I was. They were always meant to be a family. I love my son. But he was always destined to be her son. But that doesn’t make it any easier. I miss him every day. I think about him every day. I always think “what if?!” Always. All my children are always on my mind, every day, every single day. I sometimes even set a place at the table for him. Its hard.

I am so incredible thankful that he does have the family he has. As much as I miss him, as much as my heart breaks, as much as I feel like I am missing out on everything, I also feel connected. My sons mother has always included me. Sent me photos, videos, visits, phone calls, FaceTime, anything that connects us. I am forever grateful.

Last week she went above and beyond. Although I am not sure she knows just how above and beyond it was. How much it truly meant to me. How much it completely broke my heart, shattered it, and yet made me feel whole all at once. This incredible woman, whom I love so deeply, sent me videos and pictures during his school Christmas concert. It was the most beautiful thing. She didn’t have to. She could have waited till it was over. She could have just told me about it. She could have just enjoyed it for herself. But she didn’t. She included me. She shared with me.

I sat there and cried, I cried sad tears, heartbroken tears, proud mom tears, happy tears, so many different emotions. I held my daughter as we watched together. She didn’t grasp just how important all of this was, but I sure did. It was a moment I will never forget. A moment I am forever thankful for.

I wasn’t able to physically be there, I hardly ever am, but I was and always am there in spirit. This made the connection for me even stronger.

Being a Birth Mom during the holidays is extra hard. When you are surrounded by family, and someone is still missing, a part of you is missing, your mind is always wondering what that person is doing, wishing you could be with them. This little action of her sharing with me made me feel so connected and complete during such a hard time.

It really is the small things that mean the most. Small acts that have the biggest impact.

~ Michelle



Depression And The Holidays

Hello New Day.
Hello New Week.
Hello New Adventure.


One step closer to Christmas, and yet I feel like I took 50 backwards. How is that even possible? One of life’s great mysteries, along with were they socks in the dryer go, or where toddlers who don’t sleep at night still get all their energy from.

Last week I did really well with working out. It was much fun to get back into it on a daily base. I was feeling really good. Happy. Then I went out dinner Saturday night, and then out to the movies Sunday afternoon. Hello unhealthy food. So gross. This week is about eating healthy and working out. Which I admit is a bit hard to do before the holidays. All I want to do is drink hot chocolate, and eat cookies and comfort food while wearing comfy clothes and hiding under a blanket. A warm cozy, crazy soft blanket.

With the holidays quickly approaching, depression and anxiety and go into overdrive. I am trying to get a jump on it by staying active and eating right, but like I said, I want all the cookies and junk food. I’ve also started to make a point to have some ‘me time’. Nothing major, just little stuff I can fit in during the day, facial masks, painting my nails, reading, bubble baths, journaling. Anything small that I think can help. You know what they say, its the little things that matter the most.

The holidays are always hard. Mix in everything going on, mix in being a birth mother. I sometimes have to try extra hard to get out of bed and put a smile on my face. Its not that I don’t want to, its not that I’m not happy. Its just that it is hard. Its hard to explain to some who doesn’t understand or has experienced it. I can be happy, but still be so physically and emotional drained that it is hard to show just how happy I actually am.

I have a feeling this holiday season will be the most exhausting holiday yet.

~ Michelle

Getting Back On Track

Hello New Day.
Hello New Week.
Hello New Adventure.


The past couple months have been a whirlwind. I can’t even begin to describe it. Now the holiday season is quickly approaching and I’m not sure where I stand or what was is up. I’m trying to make the best of it, I’m trying to hold my head up high, but it is exhausting. Down to the bone exhausting.

While trying to focus on the big picture and deal with everything going on, I need to start focusing on the little things. Taking it one day at time, one step at a time. All that jazz that is supposed to help calm a person. Not sure it really works, especially in times like this. But we will see. Its worth a shot, right?!

So this week I will be setting goals. For me. Not so much for the family. For me, that way I can be there for my family. I’m not so good about taking care of myself. But now its the time to really put in the effort.

1. Wrap the Christmas gifts I have already gotten. Its never too early to start crossing things off the To-Do List.
2. Workout. MUST. WORKOUT. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I have fallen so far off the tracks that I honestly can not even see them anymore.
3. Read, draw, or journal. Something. Creative outlet is a must, and I have let it slide as well.
4. Organize the family calendars. Again I have fallen behind on this.

( I should just say do all the things I have been putting off… but thats completely overwhelming… )

5. Meal plan. Eat healthy. Again this goes right back to my moods. Way too much emotional eating lately.
6. Finish decorating. Yes I started early, because of everything going on, I wanted it over with, but there are still a few last things that need to be done.
7. Try to go to bed before 11pm. Oh sleep, how I miss you.
8. Get my holiday card mailing list together and get started on that.

I’m sure there are a million other things I should do and I’m totally forgetting right now. Maybe a second cup of coffee will help me remember.

Now to get over the mommy guilt and focus on me. Stupid mommy guilt.

~ Michelle

Summer Screen Time Rules

Yes I am a mean mom. I set rules for my kids, even in the summer. If my children think they will spend the whole summer glued to screens they have another coming!

So naturally I set out some guidelines, rules if you will. Here they are:


Happy Summer Break!

I have high hopes for this, but also wondering if this will last past the first week if I’m going to be honest.

~ Michelle


Today Will Be A Good Day

Today will be a good day. Not because it is a special day. But because I need a good day. Have you ever just needed a good day?

This Easter weekend was fun. It was great. We had lots of company over. We had lots of laughs, love, and made great memories. But it was exhausting. I’m exhausted. I’m worn out. And yesterday was grey, dark and storming all day. It totally matched my mood.

Here is the thing, having people over wears me out. Physically and mentally. I enjoy having people- friends and family- over. I love seeing the kids play with their friends and run around the house. I enjoy visiting with people, I enjoy the conversation and connection. But when you are an introvert, things like this, no matter how enjoyable can just zap the energy out of a person. And thats me, I’m an introvert, and I also have anxiety. Its a wonderful combination. (Please note the sarcasm)

So like I said, even though I enjoyed the long weekend, had two days of company over, I’m worn out. Then when you mix that in with a rainy, gloomy, stormy, dark day. My mood and energy is completely zapped. I don’t enjoy feeling like this. I don’t like it. I try to fight it. I try to ignore it. But I can’t. Its there. Always there. A part of me, a part of who I am. This is me.

After all is said and done, today will be a good day. It has to be. I need it to be. I need to feel like myself again, I need my energy level back up, I need to… I need to just feel happy and free. Free of the crappy feeling from a bad weather day, free of the low energy, free of my own guilt over feeling worn out after a long weekend.

Today is a new day. It will be a good day. No matter the weather, the people around me, how little sleep I’ve gotten, I will have a good day.

And I hope you all have a good day too.

~ Michelle

How To Completely And Totally Ruin March Break

Hello New Day.
Hello New Week.
Hello New Adventure.


Last week was March Break. The coveted March Break. A week off from school, schedules, making lunches the night before, and having to get dressed in real clothes. I had so many glorious plans. So many. Instead it was completely and totally ruined.

My two boys were leaving with my parents for a week away. They were going to have so much fun. And this meant that I would have a week home with just my daughter. My sweet soon to be 2 year old. I had so many plans for us, crafts, art, girl time, maybe even painting her nails for the first time, playdates, trips to the park, projects around the house I wanted to do and work stuff to do. It was truly amazing what I had planned. Instead it was all ruined.

Let me explain how, and for that we have to go back to the week before March Break. In order to completely ruin a March Break just insert germs. The week before March Break was filled with all 3 of my kids getting sick. Because you know it just isn’t fair if only one or two kids got sick, all 3 had to join in. Temperatures up around 103 and puking, every where, all the time. I had alarms set every night that got me up every 90 minutes to check on the kids.
Now onto actually March Break. Two boys that are feeling better, thank God, and a little girl who can’t decided if she is still sick or not, and just for fun they decided to take me out.

For my week alone with my daughter, for all the plans I had made, all the crafts I had bought, I got to spend my week laying on the sofa sick unable to move or even pick up my daughter! For the first time ever I have actually had to call in help of other family members to help watch my girl.

As for my boys, they didn’t get to do much. They were feeling better but still were not at full energy level, they would go do one thing, and have to sleep right after. Thankfully they were never actually sick on the their trip, just tired.

And that is how you ruin March Break.

Now it is Monday again, the kids are back to school, my daughter is at full toddler destructor  level, and I am left still feeling weak and sick. Usually on Monday I have a whole To Do List, I make some goals, so I feel like I have some control over the week. Today my only goal is get better and get my energy level back to normal! And maybe just maybe find the time this week to do some of the things I planned for last week. Maybe.

How was your March Break?

~ Michelle

Going With The Flow.

Hello New Day.
Hello New Week.
Hello New Adventure.


Monday, we meet again. Is it just me or did this weekend pass us by at super speed? The last week has been crazy. My boys took part in a church Christmas play. So it has been crazy around here with rehearsals and 3 performances. I am so proud of my boys. They worked hard, had lots of late nights, were super tired, but kept going with a smile on their face.

This is the last week of school before Christmas holidays. I should be busy with plenty of To-Do Lists ready to go. But I’m not. I will be completely honest, I am on the verge of a burn out. I’m tired. I’m worn out. I’m done. I’m tired of stressing over everything that has to be done, all the things I need to do, I’m sick of having 150 things on my To-Do List and only having time to do 50 of them.

This week I am throwing out the To-Do List. This week I want to be in the moment. I know what needs to get done, I don’t need the To-Do List around to stress me out further. (Funny thing, I do thrive better with a To-Do List).

This week I want to be in the here with everything going on. I want to enjoy every moment of the holiday process.

I don’t need my To-Do List around to remind me of what needs to get done, and what I have yet to accomplish.

The holidays are stressful enough, busy enough, and surprisingly short. I want to enjoy all of it. I don’t want to feel the mountain of Mom Guilt when something doesn’t get crossed off the list in one day.

Holidays are not made in To-Do Lists. Holidays are about so much more.

The holidays will still come and go whether or not I finish my To-Do List. The holidays will still come and go even if I think I am not ready. Here is the the thing, the holidays are about so much more. Most importantly they are about time with family. And I can’t be with my family, truly with my family if I am busy stressing and worrying and running around.

This goes against my nature, but I am throwing out the To-Do List.

Everything will still get done, they always do. And even if something is missing, in the long run, it won’t matter. It is hard to believe, to even try to wrap your head around it, but it is true. I promise. It is a hard lesson to learn, I am still learning.

So this week, I will go with the flow, I will embrace and enjoy the crazy, stressful, busy, wonderful, magically holiday season that is upon us.

This week and holiday season I will be with my family, not running around them doing stuff.

~ Michelle


Mondays Were Made For Extra Coffee

Hello New Day.
Hello New Week.
Hello New Adventure.


Monday, we meet again. Let’s hope you are nice to me today.

The last few days I had a sort of adrenaline rush with getting things done. I had energy, I got a lot of stuff done, I accomplished a lot of things I wanted to do. Now however, I’m not sure if it is because it is Monday and gloomy or I am feeling the crashing of my so called adrenaline rush from the past few days, but I feel so pulled down today. Which doesn’t make me look forward to the week ahead.

This week I want it to be as productive as the last few days. A girl can dream, right?

So its time to put on my big girl pants and get started. Regardless of how I am feeling I am determined to have a good week. The holidays are quickly approaching and I want them to go as smoothly as possible.

My goals for the week:


1. Organize calendars. I missed an event last week because all the calendars were not updated and coordinated.
2. Meal plan! And stick to it. Last week while I got a lot accomplished, cooking was not one of them. This week will be even more crazy as my kids have 3 nights of dress rehearsal for a Christmas play they are in.
3. Meal plan the holidays, and get shopping done for that! I hate having to run out day before Christmas Eve for something I forgot. I would much rather be able to know everything is done and ready so I can fully enjoy time with family.


4. Get pictures with Santa. Its a yearly tradition. My boys don’t care so much for it anymore, they used to get super excited about it, but now they are more excited about missing school to get it done. Kids, they grow up so fast!
5. Quiet time. Just in that I want to make time to be with my family with no distractions, tv, phone, computer.


6. Start the learning process for Meditation. I have always wanted to learn how to meditate. It has always intrigued me, but I have never gotten around to actually doing it with any sorta of routine. I have tried to just go ahead and do it, but never actually stuck with it or learned anything about it first.
7. Read. Journal. Colour. Anything that allows me to unwind and relax.
8. Don’t be afraid to say no. Its ok. Sometimes it is needed. “No” is not a bad word, or a scary word.


9. Push past my comfort zone. This is a tough one so it will be my goal for a long time, but I hope to accomplish it and keep going.
10. Organize my desk and work area. I bought some new organizational things, now I have to actually set them up and use them.

What do you hope to accomplish this week?
Are you all ready for the holidays?

~ Michelle

To Decorate Or Not To Decorate Before November 11th?

The debate continues. But does anyone know when it started? I do not.

When did it become a bad thing to decorate for Christmas early? When was it deemed disrespectful to decorate before November 11th, Remembrance Day? Who decided that if you have Christmas decorations up and a Christmas tree decorated that you are spiteful and disrespecting our Veterans?

Growing up I never heard of this debate. People were free to decorate whenever they decided to. When and who decided this?

My opinion, as someone who has had family members fight for my country, as someone who knows people enlisted in the army right now, the act of putting up my Christmas decorations on November 1st vs November 12th has no baring what so ever on my level of respect for my countries Veterans, my family members and my friends.

I respect the Veterans every minute, of every day, not just on one day for one minute.

If you so believe that in your family you would rather wait till November 12th or later to decorate, go for it.

But please lets not start a fight and start insulting people over this. Lets show respect and love to everyone.

You would not tell a person born on November 11th to not celebrate their birthday because it is Remembrance Day, so do not criticize people for decorating for a holiday.

Santa and the Poppy can go hand in hand in friendship if one so desires. So lets stop the arguing, stop the nit-picking, let us just all show respect, and on November 11th, no matter what your house looks like, whether you have Halloween decorations still up, Christmas decorations or even a couple Valentines decorations lying around, lets just focus on the importance of the day, no matter what our houses look like.

Looks don’t matter when it comes to how we view people, it is their character, their being, their spirit. Just as what my house looks like does not matter, but the people in my house and their love and respect on such an important day.

On November 11th, let us focus on our Veterans. Let us focus on all they have done for us and our country and what they continue to do.

Remembrance Day

~ Michelle

Things To Pack For The Cottage

Seems like this is a big part of summer for a lot of people, is a trip to the cottage. Whether you own one, rent one, or visit with friends and family. At some point a lot of people will face the hours of traffic for a bit of relaxing and fun this summer.

Here is a small list of things to make sure you pack before you spend hours in traffic.

1. Sunglasses, Sunscreen, and a Hat. Don’t want to get a sunburn on your first day out on the lake just to suffer for the rest of your vacation! Protect your skin!

2. Bathing Suits and clothes. This should be obvious, unless of course you like to skinny dip, or a nudist, in which case, skip this one.

3. Books/Magazines. IF you happen to get a few minutes to yourself, maybe after dark while the rest of the house is sleeping, or early in the morning, it’s always nice to get a chance to catch up on your reading (or gossip depending on what magazine you buy!), or to read if you get stuck in traffic. Also nice to take kids books to make sure you still get to read your kids a bed time story.

4. Life Jacket. Especially if you have kids. Always make sure you have safe, proper sized life jackets, especially if you are boating. Always good to have one on the kids all the time when they are around water.


5. Masks/Snorkel. This was a must for my boys when they went to the cottage. They spent so much time floating around with their Life Jackets on, Masks and Snorkel watching “the under water world”.

6. Food/Drinks. And snacks for the car! No fun to show up to a cottage just to realize you have to go back out for food. Come prepared! Meal plan! No point wasting time out shopping for food when you could be rest by the lake.

7. Stuffed Animals! This was my kids idea! They said I had to put this on the list. We took some of their stuffed animals with us. A little piece of home to help make them feel comfortable and sleep better at night! When they kids sleep well at night, everyone sleeps well!

8. Toys/Games. If you have kids, and you happened to get rained out. Make sure you have something to pass the time. Or even in the evening before bed. We played so many card games. It was a lot of fun and always a good laugh.

9. Water Toys/ Pool Noodles. Sometimes even a lake needs a little extra fun. Or if there happens to be a small little beach area where you are, always nice to have a few toys handy for kids to play with.

10. Flash Light and extra batteries for it. Especially if you have a kid like my little one that had to keep turning on his flash light as soon as he thought it was getting dark out. Also super fun for making shadow puppets on the wall with at bed time! And glow sticks! Put glow sticks on the kids once it gets dark out, they think its fun, and it helps keep track of them in the dark if you happen to be out star-gazing.

11. Bug spray, After Bite, and Benadryl. Nature hates me, so these items are a must for me and my family!

What are your must have items for the cottage? 

~ Michelle