Reality Came Crashing Back In

Hello New Day.
Hello New Week.
Hello New Adventure.

HelloMonday

Last week I wrote about how I was extremely hopeful and still riding on the New Years high, however reality has come crashing in. Well to be honest, not so much reality per say, but rather anxiety. The planets and stars must have all aligned and anxiety has now been released in full force.

Anxiety sucks. Its horrible. Its numbing. Its deafening. Its isolating. Its a monster screaming in my head. Its a constant violent storm raging inside my mind and body, depleting myself of all energy and focus. I’m not sure how to even describe it. Its strange how you can experience something every day, to different degrees, and yet still have trouble explaining what exactly it is to people.

This week will be hard. There is no denying it. There is no sugar coating it. This week will be a struggle, more so than last week. This week I will have to remind my self to breathe. This week I will have to tell myself that I’m ok when my body and mind is screaming that I’m not. This week I will be fighting a constant monster inside my head, that will be me aching and sore and so very tired, but still unable to sleep.

You know what is strange, that writing about anxiety, gives me anxiety, but at the same time it gives me comfort. Comfort in hopes that someone else may feel the same in their own way, and that means I’m not alone. Anxiety is a strange creature like that.

So if you have anxiety, how do you deal with it? Please SHARE SHARE SHARE!

This week I will rely on bubble baths, hot coffee, yummy tea, yoga, deep breathes, comfy blankets, and my happy light.

~ Michelle

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Riding On The New Years High

Hello New Year.
Hello New Day.
Hello New Week.
Hello New Adventure.

HelloMonday

Lets just get right to it. I am totally riding on some sort of New Years high. I’m not sure how to explain it. I’m hopeful, I’m energetic, I’m getting things accomplished, I’m happy, I’m content, I’m just overall extremely hopeful. Hopeful that I will meet my goals, hopefully that things will be good, hopefully that things will continue going up from here.

I’m not usually such a hopeful person. I’m more of an anxiety, depressed, paranoid, everything is bleak and everything goes wrong but always looking for the bright side – the silver lining, kinda person. So the only way I can explain what is happening is that it is some sort of New Years high. Or maybe its the moon phases. Expect I have no clue about that, or what phase the moon is in right now… Or maybe its a sugar high from all the Christmas junk food?

Perhaps maybe I’m just excited because the kids go back to school tomorrow! Kidding. Sort of. It is honestly a bitter sweet thing. I love having them home. But I also like when they are at school and not driving each other crazy and fighting constantly which in turn drives me crazy and makes me use my ‘mom voice’ a whole lot. “Mom voice” is no fun for anyone involved.

Whatever the case, New Years, moon phases, sugar, school starting… I’m hopeful. And honestly it is kinda scary, because I have so much to be hopeful about, and that means there is so much more at risk of failing and losing. And that is super scary. But I think it will be ok. I’m not sure why, but for the last few weeks I have had a quote stuck in my head ‘ “What if I fall?” Oh but my darling, what if you fly?’ (I’m not sure who exactly said that, as I’ve seen different names quoted, so if you know, let me know!)

So then that always brings up the point; am I more scared of failing, or am I actually scared of succeeding?
And why am I scared of succeeding? Which if I am going to be totally honest, thats a scary thing…but why? How can succeeding at something be scary? Its such a confusing feeling to experience. I often wonder if its just me that ever feels this way? Anyone else? Let me know if you have ever felt this way and why! Anyone have any insight on it? I guess I should have paid more attention in psych class, they probably explained it.

Regardless of that, I’m super hopeful. And I like that feeling. Its new and exciting. So whether it is some sort of New Years high, moon phase, sugar high, or whatever, I’m going to run with it. I’m going to run wild with it. Maybe I will fall, but maybe I will fly. Wouldn’t that be a wonderful thing?

~Michelle

Hello 2018

Its time. Its time to brush off the dust and get back to this. Its time to face it, face all of it. Lets just start by saying that 2017 was a hell of a year. It was a crap show. It was anxiety filled. It was hard. It wasn’t all bad, there were good parts don’t get me wrong, but most of it, a lot of it, was hard and filled with anxiety. 2017 was a depression and anxiety filled blur. I retreated into myself so much in 2017. I hid. I hid from the world, I hid from my family, and especially myself.

I don’t normally take much stock in New Years, new start and all that stuff. But this year, I do. This year I have to. I can’t keep going on like this. Every part of my body aches, all the time. I’m done. I’m ready to rise, I’m ready to shine. I’m ready to claim what is mine, what belongs to me, what I deserve – Happiness.

I love to blog, but as you can clearly see its been a while, last year nearly destroyed me and I’ve been trying to claw my way back to myself. When I hid from myself, I closed myself off to my blog, and a lot of social media. I just couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t bring myself to write happy things and pretend to be happy, and I most defiantly couldn’t not bring myself to write how anxiety filled I was. So instead I just didn’t write anything. Hindsight being what it is, that was a mistake, I should have kept writing.

So this year I’m writing again. This time I’m writing for me. This year I will find myself. This year I will challenge myself. This year will be an amazing year. This year I will take control of my anxiety, just kidding, thats impossible, but I will damn well fight as hard as I can.

I can’t believe I’m going to write this, because I honestly think its such a joke, after years of chasing it down, it never happens, but this year I hope I can find something that at least resembles it: Balance. I need balance. I don’t know how I will get it, because I have never truly had it. I’ve tricked myself into believing it sometimes but it never lasts. This year something has to change. Something has to happen this year. If I have learned anything, its that I can not keep going the way that I am. I need balance. I need self care. I need to put my needs first (sometimes) and not feel horribly guilty about it. So maybe I’m not really looking for balance, maybe I’m looking for peace? Truth be told, I don’t even know for sure at this point. I just know something has to change.

So in conclusion, 2018 has got to be better than 2017. It has to. This year I hope to find balance, Peace, and Harmony, but most importantly I want to find myself. I want to find my voice.

Its truly a horrible, and depressing thing when you look in the mirror and you don’t even know the reflection looking back at you. I’ve become a stranger to myself. A stranger without a voice. This year I will find me. It may take longer than a year, if we are going to be honest here, but I am going to start.

This is my year.

I hope to see you on my journey. And I truly hope you all have a fabulous year.

To the people that came to my blog while I was ‘away’, thank you. Thank you for your messages, and support.

2018, you’re mine.

Lets do this!

~ Michelle

Starting Your Morning Off Right And Organized

Last week I showed you pictures of what my desk and floor looks like.  Now I am showing you what my mornings look like. Every morning I have multiple things I need to check, and lists I need to write out, and calendars to check.
This is what happens when you have a husband, three kids, a blog, a Handmade Business and a Handmade Sea Glass Necklace business.

This is how I start my day, every day.
My binder, it contains order forms, blog calendar, and other house hold related paper work for me. The pink notebook is where I write blog posts when not near my computer. Next up is my day timer and family calendar, then a note book for work ideas and thoughts. Next is my “Self Care notebook”, basically motivational quotes I found, little pick me up messages, doodles, and such. The green notebook is my prayer notebook. I Like notebooks incase you haven’t noticed. I may have a slight addiction. I love putting pen to paper. Next is my Journaling Bible, pretty self explanatory. Last is my little devotional book.
After I go through all of these, I write out a To Do List for the day.

Not in the picture: coffee. Lots and lots of coffee!

How do you start your day off right and organized?

Happy (not so) Wordless Wednesday! Have a Wordless Wednesday post? Share it in the comments!

~ Michelle

The Time I Turned Down A TV Show

I want to tell you about the time I got an interesting email, it was from a tv production company and they wanted me to be on their show. Um, say what?! I checked it out, it was legit, I had my husband check it out and it was still legit. So crazy. Someone had found my blog, loved my adoption story and my birth mom story and wanted me on their show. Crazy!

So when will you see me on TV? You won’t. I turned it down. I know what you are thinking… UM WHAT? CRAZY!


Yes, it was a once in a life time thing, probably, who really knows for sure! Yes it would have been an amazing experience. Yes it would have been great to be able to talk about adoption on such a large platform. But was it right for me and my family? No.

After much thought and many many conversations with my husband, who kept telling me to go, I decided it wasn’t right. As much as I would have loved it, as great as it would have been, as fun as it would have been, and scary and totally worth it, it wasn’t the right choice.

Saying yes to this would have meant time away from my family, as I would have had to go alone to the states. Is my husband capable of running the house on his own? Yes, of course he is. Would my boys been totally ok with me gone? Probably. Would my 3 year old have been ok? No. This happened right before my daughter was scheduled to have surgery a few months ago. She wasn’t in a good place her health and her sleeping.

It came down to, was it worth it the amount of stress this would cause on my then 2 year old before experiencing the added stress of surgery? Would this have been worth it for the added stress that would have caused on everyone else? No. Not right now.

I have to believe something better is coming. When one door closes, another opens. And any other cliche things you can think of.

Sometimes the hardest answer to give is the best answer. Sometimes a no is needed when you really want to say yes.

Now to look out for the next great opportunity.

~ Michelle

What Does It Mean To Be Productive?

Hello New Day.
Hello New Week.
Hello New Adventure.

HelloMonday

The sun is shining. The windows are open. Oh how I have longed for this day! Despite my best efforts the weather plays a big part into my moods. The fresh air is very much needed right now. Now if only I can tear myself away from the singing birds long enough to actually do something productive.

But really what does it mean to be productive? Are you only productive if your house is spotless, everything is cleaned, washed, put away? Are you only productive if you go to work every day? Is it strictly based on what others can see? Can you only really be productive if your actions can some how be measured? Who decides what is productive?

What does it mean to you to be productive?

This past weekend I sat outside in the warmth of the sun. I listened to the birds. I played outside with the kids. I watched the kids play in awe of how much they have changed since last year. I did a lot of sitting outside. Just being in the moment. My house didn’t get cleaned. Laundry is way behind now. My living room looks like some supernatural event happened.

So did I have a productive weekend? What do you think? My answer; Yes. Yes I did.

I did what I needed to do. I did what my heart and soul needed. I was in the moment. I relaxed. I watched my kids. I played with my kids. This is what I needed to do. For my own mental health, my psychical health, I needed a break. I needed to be in the moment. I needed to laugh. I needed to feel the sun on my skin, the wind in my hair.

If you looked at the state of my house you would not think it was a very productive weekend. If you looked at me you would know it was.

As far as house chores go, I am behind. In terms of my spirit, I am ahead of the game! I am refreshed, relaxed, and ready to take on this week. I am in much better shape to handle this week than if I had been inside cleaning all weekend.

So Monday, this week, bring it! I’m ready for you! Right after I finish my coffee and listening to do the birds sing, then I will get up and rock this thing!

~ Michelle

 

Inside Out

My kids love the movie Inside Out. I have to admit, I do too. Its a very cute Disney Pixar movie. Have you had a chance to watch it?

Basically it is about the different emotions inside everyones head, especially focusing on the main character, a little girl.

Every time I watch the movie it makes me wonder, if our emotions were set up like that, what would it look like? Who would be in charger? Would there be one in charge or would they all just be fighting like crazy? How many would be fighting to control and how many emotions would be sitting the corner rocking and crying?

Sometimes it feels like an on going battle in my head. Anxiety and Depression are not the easiest to get along with. So I imagine Anxiety and Depression are big giant bullies trying to take over the controls while joy sits in the corner rocking back and forth crying. Fear is their little side kick. Sadness just floats over head on a cloud of sadness raining down on them.

All of it is so exhausting.

It is hard to explain it to someone who has not experienced it first hand.

I try to hold my head high. I try to put on a happy face. I try to get through the day in one piece while a battle rages on in my head for control of my emotions.

Monday and Tuesday of this week I accomplished so much. I worked out, I worked hard, I left the house, I wore make up. Today? I’m still in my pjs and have zero motivation to do anything. This is what happens. I’m beyond exhausted, and not in the way that any amount of sleep can help. I’m worn out from trying so hard, I’m worn out from putting on the brave face. I’m worn out from fighting. I’m not giving up. I just need time. I just need a day to take care of myself. I’m not being lazy. I’m taking care of myself. I’m doing what I need to so I can make it through another day.

Today, even though I am worn out, it feels like Joy has pushed her way to the front and is in charge of the controls.

Its the small things that mean so much and can make me happy, like having the freedom to stay home and do what I need to so I can take care of myself. Even if that means staying in pjs all day and playing with my kids.


~ Michelle