Hello 2018

Its time. Its time to brush off the dust and get back to this. Its time to face it, face all of it. Lets just start by saying that 2017 was a hell of a year. It was a crap show. It was anxiety filled. It was hard. It wasn’t all bad, there were good parts don’t get me wrong, but most of it, a lot of it, was hard and filled with anxiety. 2017 was a depression and anxiety filled blur. I retreated into myself so much in 2017. I hid. I hid from the world, I hid from my family, and especially myself.

I don’t normally take much stock in New Years, new start and all that stuff. But this year, I do. This year I have to. I can’t keep going on like this. Every part of my body aches, all the time. I’m done. I’m ready to rise, I’m ready to shine. I’m ready to claim what is mine, what belongs to me, what I deserve – Happiness.

I love to blog, but as you can clearly see its been a while, last year nearly destroyed me and I’ve been trying to claw my way back to myself. When I hid from myself, I closed myself off to my blog, and a lot of social media. I just couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t bring myself to write happy things and pretend to be happy, and I most defiantly couldn’t not bring myself to write how anxiety filled I was. So instead I just didn’t write anything. Hindsight being what it is, that was a mistake, I should have kept writing.

So this year I’m writing again. This time I’m writing for me. This year I will find myself. This year I will challenge myself. This year will be an amazing year. This year I will take control of my anxiety, just kidding, thats impossible, but I will damn well fight as hard as I can.

I can’t believe I’m going to write this, because I honestly think its such a joke, after years of chasing it down, it never happens, but this year I hope I can find something that at least resembles it: Balance. I need balance. I don’t know how I will get it, because I have never truly had it. I’ve tricked myself into believing it sometimes but it never lasts. This year something has to change. Something has to happen this year. If I have learned anything, its that I can not keep going the way that I am. I need balance. I need self care. I need to put my needs first (sometimes) and not feel horribly guilty about it. So maybe I’m not really looking for balance, maybe I’m looking for peace? Truth be told, I don’t even know for sure at this point. I just know something has to change.

So in conclusion, 2018 has got to be better than 2017. It has to. This year I hope to find balance, Peace, and Harmony, but most importantly I want to find myself. I want to find my voice.

Its truly a horrible, and depressing thing when you look in the mirror and you don’t even know the reflection looking back at you. I’ve become a stranger to myself. A stranger without a voice. This year I will find me. It may take longer than a year, if we are going to be honest here, but I am going to start.

This is my year.

I hope to see you on my journey. And I truly hope you all have a fabulous year.

To the people that came to my blog while I was ‘away’, thank you. Thank you for your messages, and support.

2018, you’re mine.

Lets do this!

~ Michelle

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New Year, The Year Of Me!

Hello New Year!
Hello New Day.
Hello New Week.
Hello New Adventure!

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Wow. 2016 is here! Hard to believe how quickly 2015 went by! What a year that was, lots of ups and downs, stressed out times and very happy times!

Right now I am sure most people are still hyped up on their New Years Resolutions, while some people have already given up on them, or changed them completely.

Me? I’m not sure. I go back and forth on the whole “New Years Resolutions” thing. I like to make goals. Making goals gives me some sense of (false) hope that I am actually in charge of the crazy that is my life.

This year, call them resolutions or goals, but this year I want to focus on me. I have never focused on me. My son is going to be 10 this year, and for the past 10 years I have yet to put myself first in anything. Which I in no way regret doing, it is just along the way I seem to have lost myself. I want to find myself this year. I want my voice to be heard. I want my soul to sing again.

My biggest goal for the year is to not feel so much “Mom Guilt”. I’m talking about when I take a bath and I feel guilty for it because I feel like I should be with my kids instead, even though I am a stay at home mom and spend every single day with them. Or when I take time to do something extra with my hair and make-up, I feel like I’m “wasting time” and feel so guilty. I am not actually sure how to accomplish the less guilt thing, so we will just have to see how it goes. Maybe it will lessen with the time as I do more things for myself.

Part of learning to focus on me is to actually carve out time to workout. I love to workout, but I don’t do all the time like I should. For both body and mind I need to do it all the time. For my kids I need to do it, so I can set a good example for them of a healthy life style. I started out with schedule for the month of January.

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I admit, this month will be interesting. I hope I can stick to this schedule while still doing all the other things I need to do. I tend to focus really well on one thing, like working out or cleaning the house. Usually one falls behind while I rock with the other. So while above I did state that I want to focus on me this year, I want to do that without my whole house falling apart in the process of it, if possible.

So basically, this year is MY year! Or at least thats the plan! To feel less guilt, to put myself first, and to workout regularly!

What are you hoping to accomplish this year? Did you set any goals, or New Years Resolutions? I would love to hear them!

~ Michelle