Always Look For The Silver Lining

Hello New Day.
Hello New Week.
Hello New Adventure.

HelloMonday

This weekend was all about celebrating my daughter’s 3rd birthday. But to me it was so much more. There was a time that I never thought I would be able to have another baby. Then after years of struggling I finally got pregnant, just to miscarry a few weeks later. My heart was broken. I was broken, pieces missing forever. I was surprised when I managed to get pregnant again, and terrified. Her entire pregnancy I was scared I would lose her. I had a high risk pregnancy, and spent the entire time on bed rest. There was a time when I thought I would never get to this point. And now here we are, celebrating her 3rd birthday!

Every day I am so thankful for my children. Every day when I look at my girl, my rainbow baby, I am reminded that there is someone that will forever be missing from our family. Without that loss, my daughter wouldn’t be here now. It is so hard to explain the conflicting emotions that happen. My heart breaks for the baby I will never know, but my heart bursts with love for the children I do have.

My daughter is a constant reminder that life doesn’t always go as planned. There is good and bad, heartache and sorrow, but also so much love and joy in life.

There is always a silver lining. Always a point, or lesson to be learned. Sometimes, most times, its just incredibly hard to see at the time. Or at least thats what I like to tell myself on the bad days.

Bad days like when you fight with your husband after your child’s birthday party, and you are not exactly sure what started it. It was sort of the perfect storm of emotions, lack of sleep, and bad choice of words to be said by both parties. I will never understand the point to fighting, but I know there is a silver lining, a lesson to be learned. After the fight we always end up stronger. I just wish the heartache didn’t have to happen first.

So my point to all this, is that life is all about ups and downs, love and hate, tears and laughter. Really big heart breaking downs, really big huge living changing joy and love, or small bumps in the road – like fights, or small joys like waking up after a fight and finding out that your husband woke up early to clean the kitchen for you.

You just have to remember to look for the sliver lining in all things, big or small.

~ Michelle

Pregnancy After Loss

October is a hard month. Honestly every month is hard, but October has its own special sting to it. October 19th 2012 my baby, my Lily, grew her wings.

miscarriage

Since then I have had what is referred to as a Rainbow Baby. She is perfection. While she completes our family, there will also be a piece of our family that is missing.

I have spoken a bit about my miscarriage and loss. Its hard. To this day my breath catches, my hands tremble, my body shakes, my heart skips a beat and starts to break all over again. Despite so many other woman going through pregnancy loss, I felt and still feel so alone with it. I still can’t seem to find the right words to talk about it.

What I have never really talked about is my pregnancy after my loss, after my Lily. I could never bring myself to really talk about it, enjoy it, or celebrate. I was paralyzed with fear the whole time.

I lost my baby on October 19th, 2012. It broke me in a way that words can never describe. Not that long after I found out on in August 2013 that I was pregnant again. My doctors immediately told me to take it easy and rest as much as possible. On October 5th 2013 I started bleeding and was put on bedrest.

I spent the rest of my pregnancy on bedrest and in and out of hospitals. I didn’t go more than 2 weeks without seeing a doctor/ hospital/ or having an ultrasound done. At 19 weeks they thought that my placenta was detaching. At one point they thought early labour at 21 weeks. It was always something.

My entire pregnancy I was counting kicks, laying in bed praying my body could hold on just one more day. Every day I prayed for just one more day. I prayed my body would not fail me once more. I prayed I would be enough, strong enough, good enough, to carry this baby to term. My heart could not handle another heartbreak.

I was so scared that if I talked about my pregnancy when it was happening, if I got too excited, if I got too happy, it would all come crashing down. I was so scared that if I got too happy something would happen to pop my little bubble. I thought maybe if I was quiet about it, staying safe in my bed alone in my own little world it would some how protect me and my baby.

Speaking about my daughters pregnancy still makes me feel sick. I never forgot that feeling of helplessness I had during her entire pregnancy. The fear I felt every day, every night.

It was by far the hardest and most emotionally draining pregnancy I have ever had. But looking back at it also makes me sad. I never got a chance to enjoy my last pregnancy. I never got a chance to celebrate my growing belly and the sweet baby inside.

Now my daughter is here, happy and healthy as can be. She was worth it. Worth the stress, worth the worry, worth every dreadful minute I spent in bed alone crying, every sleepless night I got, every bit of pain I felt both physical and emotional. She was worth it.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of my Lily, wishing she was here. But at the same time a day doesn’t go by that I am not grateful for the chance and strength to carry another baby.

Pregnancy after a loss was such an emotional roller coaster. So much joy every time she kicked and then suddenly scared waiting for the next kick. Always counting. Always waiting. Always praying.

Looking at the date on the calendar it is hard to believe how long ago this was. Thinking about it, it feels like it just happened. My heart is still broken, still pieces missing, still healing, but still at the same time oh so happy and in love with my children that I have here with me.

Please know that if you have experienced pregnancy loss, infant loss, or any loss, you are not alone.

~ Michelle

What should have been my due date 3 years ago…


A 3 year old.

I should have a 3 year old. But I don’t. I should be starting to think about kindergarten. But I’m not. I should have a small child out of the diaper stage and probably the nap stage. But  I don’t. My baby who I believed was a girl, I named her Lily, never got a chance to grow.

She was only with me for a short time, not even 8 weeks, but it was long enough to change me forever. I fell in love. My heart changed. My should changed. I changed. And then I lost my baby. And I broke. Broke so badly that I can never be put back together. It broke me to the point that it changed me. I will never be the same.

I blamed myself for the longest time. I still do sometimes. I know it wasn’t my fault. But I had to blame something, someone. I needed a reason, and explanation of the unknown. It is getting better some days, some days I don’t fully blame myself. Some days a small part of me believes I had no control over it. But some days, especially around this time of year, my due date… I can’t help but wonder, blame, cry, but mostly I just hurt. And I break all over again.

I hurt so much. I miss the baby I never got hold. My arms still ache to hold her. My heart is still broken, and shatters more and more. I didn’t even think it was possible, I never knew it was possible, until I lost my baby.

I can’t help but wondering what my baby would have been like, who she would have looked like, who she would grow into. Its the little things that get me, what music would she like, movies, cartoons, animals, foods. Would she sleep on her side with her hands under her face, or would she starfish. I’m always wondering.

But now I have my rainbow baby. I am so grateful that I was granted the chance to carry another baby and become a mommy to another beautiful baby. It was something I didn’t know if I would be strong enough to do again, the what if’s clouded my mind. But I did it, and I have her. I love her to the moon and back.

But I can’t help but wonder sometimes. Wonder what life would have been like. What it would be like to not live with this pain every day. Wonder what it would be like to know the baby I lost. But it always comes back to the same thing, IF I hadn’t lost that baby, I wouldn’t have my daughter I have now. I can’t imagine life without my rainbow baby. But still… I wonder.

But you can’t live life wondering. You can’t live in the past. You just have to live with what it is and keep on going. Some things you can never change or escape, sometimes despite what you wish, no matter how hard you wish, you have to learn to live with it.

I love my baby I never held, and I love my baby I have now, a baby I would never had had the chance to hold if I didn’t lose my baby. It is the most ultimate bitter sweet situation ever. Words can not even describe it, and unless you have lived it, it can be so hard to understand.

Every day I live with pain and joy. My heart is full, but still a piece is missing. My family is complete with my children, but still always missing someone. My heart aches from pain and swells with love. All the time. Every single day.

I would have had a beautiful 3 year old, but instead I have a beautiful 2 year old.

My baby may never have stepped foot on this earth, but she was still my baby, she was real, she was still every bit loved just as my other children, and she will forever be in my heart.

~Michelle