Reality Came Crashing Back In

Hello New Day.
Hello New Week.
Hello New Adventure.

HelloMonday

Last week I wrote about how I was extremely hopeful and still riding on the New Years high, however reality has come crashing in. Well to be honest, not so much reality per say, but rather anxiety. The planets and stars must have all aligned and anxiety has now been released in full force.

Anxiety sucks. Its horrible. Its numbing. Its deafening. Its isolating. Its a monster screaming in my head. Its a constant violent storm raging inside my mind and body, depleting myself of all energy and focus. I’m not sure how to even describe it. Its strange how you can experience something every day, to different degrees, and yet still have trouble explaining what exactly it is to people.

This week will be hard. There is no denying it. There is no sugar coating it. This week will be a struggle, more so than last week. This week I will have to remind my self to breathe. This week I will have to tell myself that I’m ok when my body and mind is screaming that I’m not. This week I will be fighting a constant monster inside my head, that will be me aching and sore and so very tired, but still unable to sleep.

You know what is strange, that writing about anxiety, gives me anxiety, but at the same time it gives me comfort. Comfort in hopes that someone else may feel the same in their own way, and that means I’m not alone. Anxiety is a strange creature like that.

So if you have anxiety, how do you deal with it? Please SHARE SHARE SHARE!

This week I will rely on bubble baths, hot coffee, yummy tea, yoga, deep breathes, comfy blankets, and my happy light.

~ Michelle

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Inside Out

My kids love the movie Inside Out. I have to admit, I do too. Its a very cute Disney Pixar movie. Have you had a chance to watch it?

Basically it is about the different emotions inside everyones head, especially focusing on the main character, a little girl.

Every time I watch the movie it makes me wonder, if our emotions were set up like that, what would it look like? Who would be in charger? Would there be one in charge or would they all just be fighting like crazy? How many would be fighting to control and how many emotions would be sitting the corner rocking and crying?

Sometimes it feels like an on going battle in my head. Anxiety and Depression are not the easiest to get along with. So I imagine Anxiety and Depression are big giant bullies trying to take over the controls while joy sits in the corner rocking back and forth crying. Fear is their little side kick. Sadness just floats over head on a cloud of sadness raining down on them.

All of it is so exhausting.

It is hard to explain it to someone who has not experienced it first hand.

I try to hold my head high. I try to put on a happy face. I try to get through the day in one piece while a battle rages on in my head for control of my emotions.

Monday and Tuesday of this week I accomplished so much. I worked out, I worked hard, I left the house, I wore make up. Today? I’m still in my pjs and have zero motivation to do anything. This is what happens. I’m beyond exhausted, and not in the way that any amount of sleep can help. I’m worn out from trying so hard, I’m worn out from putting on the brave face. I’m worn out from fighting. I’m not giving up. I just need time. I just need a day to take care of myself. I’m not being lazy. I’m taking care of myself. I’m doing what I need to so I can make it through another day.

Today, even though I am worn out, it feels like Joy has pushed her way to the front and is in charge of the controls.

Its the small things that mean so much and can make me happy, like having the freedom to stay home and do what I need to so I can take care of myself. Even if that means staying in pjs all day and playing with my kids.


~ Michelle